TANNER BLOG

May
06

TEN THINGS I’M REALLY BAD AT

01. Capturing Santa Clause

02. Blowing Up Ice Cream Trucks

03. Getting Drunk With Dolphins

04. Maintaining Tumblr Blogs

05. Organizing Paper Clip Protest Rallies (Staplers are way more reliable)

06. Impersonating Nick Nolte

07. Intimidating Baby Porcupines

08. Tasting The Rainbow

09. Climbing Water Slides

10. Throwing Hammers At Stuff

Note to self: Throw “: The Tanner Almon Story” to the end of any of these and I’d have a great title for an unauthorized biography. For example, “Getting Drunk With Dolphins: The Tanner Almon Story” would probably be a best seller.

Feb
19

Feb
14

TRIBEARATOPS FROM HELL CONQUERS VALENTINE’S DAY Q. How many girls were lucky enough to get mini cupcakes tonight?  A. Millions. Q. How many girls were lucky enough to get a hand crafted Tribearatops tonight? A. Not many. Perhaps only Vicki. I can’t say for sure. Q. Was this the best Valentine’s Day of Vicki’s life? A. Yep. Q. Seriously? A. Well, it was until I told her that she had to share the mini cupcakes.  Q. But she was totally into Tribearatops? A. Yep. Q. Seriously? A. No, she hated Tribearatops. She called him a “disturbing dinosaur from hell” and added that “if hell had a hell, he’d be from that hell”. She did however enjoy the gummy bears.

TRIBEARATOPS FROM HELL CONQUERS VALENTINE’S DAY

Q. How many girls were lucky enough to get mini cupcakes tonight? 

A. Millions.

Q. How many girls were lucky enough to get a hand crafted Tribearatops tonight?

A. Not many. Perhaps only Vicki. I can’t say for sure.

Q. Was this the best Valentine’s Day of Vicki’s life?

A. Yep.

Q. Seriously?

A. Well, it was until I told her that she had to share the mini cupcakes. 

Q. But she was totally into Tribearatops?

A. Yep.

Q. Seriously?

A. No, she hated Tribearatops. She called him a “disturbing dinosaur from hell” and added that “if hell had a hell, he’d be from that hell”. She did however enjoy the gummy bears.

When are you going to buy Vicki flowers!? I've been waiting forever for you to check that off your to-do list!

Anonymous

Vicki’s eagerly been waiting for flowers since October, so she quite literally has a gigantic water balloon full of anticipation swirling around inside her belly (along with Bunko Junior). If I were to suddenly hand her flowers at this point, that tense balloon would immediately pop and release a gigantic tidal wave of anticipation all over Baby Bunko. 

So the point is, I gave Vicki a baby, and for the good of the baby, I absolutely cannot give her flowers. Don’t cry for Vicki, cry for me, the tragic guy who wishes he could give his wife flowers but can’t for the good of a fetus.

Perhaps I should stop writing “Buy Vicki Flowers” on my sort of daily to do list. 

Feb
12

Jan
28

MOON WALKERS When I’m not… a. trying to figure how the hell we’re gonna fit a baby in our apartment b. planning my trip to Guatemala to punch Captain Worthless in the face for stealing my brand new portable telephone and taking it all the way to freakin’ Guatemala!!! c. gaining weight and/or d. buying Vicki flowers… this is what I’m working on. Actually, I think I can scratch “c” of the list, seeing as I can probably gain weight and use Lightroom simultaneously. Check me out double taskin’ like a clock radio, sweet!

MOON WALKERS

When I’m not…

a. trying to figure how the hell we’re gonna fit a baby in our apartment

b. planning my trip to Guatemala to punch Captain Worthless in the face for stealing my brand new portable telephone and taking it all the way to freakin’ Guatemala!!!

c. gaining weight

and/or

d. buying Vicki flowers…

this is what I’m working on. Actually, I think I can scratch “c” of the list, seeing as I can probably gain weight and use Lightroom simultaneously.

Check me out double taskin’ like a clock radio, sweet!

Jan
22

MAGICAL MOSSBALLS

A few months back I purchased these mossballs from the back of some hippie’s van in Williamsburg. Ever since then amazing things have been happening to me. Here’s the top nine…

1. My breakfast cereal, whether it be Apple Jacks or Kix, never gets soggy.

2. No one has touched my ear inappropriately on the subway.

3. All of my socks seem to be accounted for. Finally.

4. I stopped having dreams about Vicki dressed as Wolverine devouring all my Sunday morning pancakes.

5. Vicki finally admitted that “The Zissou” might be a good name for our pending baby.

6. Vicki got a “body pillow” which means I inherited one of her regular pillows!

7. My mom finally invited me to one of her Super Mario Dance Parties where everyone swings their arms from side to side.

8. No one has yet to invent a cozy winter cap that converts into a coffee mug in case of emergency, which means I still have a chance to blow the minds of millions.

9. Vicki can’t seem to stop touching my ear inappropriately. Ohhh yeah! 

Jan
21

Jan
17

BOB AND STEVE FROM THE FUTURE Tonight I ran into Bob and Steve (pictured). They were sent here from the future for one reason and one reason only: to blow up all the sucky people who beg for pepperoni but when the pizza arrives they immediately make a bee line straight for the cheese. All I could say was “Well it’s about damn time Bob… and Steve”. In retrospect I should have said something about Bob and Steve still being names in the future. I wonder what year they were from. With names like Bob and Steve I’m guessing mid 2012. (Taken with instagram)

BOB AND STEVE FROM THE FUTURE

Tonight I ran into Bob and Steve (pictured). They were sent here from the future for one reason and one reason only: to blow up all the sucky people who beg for pepperoni but when the pizza arrives they immediately make a bee line straight for the cheese.

All I could say was “Well it’s about damn time Bob… and Steve”.

In retrospect I should have said something about Bob and Steve still being names in the future. I wonder what year they were from. With names like Bob and Steve I’m guessing mid 2012.

(Taken with instagram)

Jan
16