SPACE PINEAPPLE SPACE SUCKS
A few years back, I think on a Monday, Bunko and I were on a routine geological expedition somewhere, I want to say Neptune, but I can’t be sure. I think we were looking for phosphorous or something, I honestly can’t remember. Anyway, what I do remember is getting really hungry, grabbing my portable space phone, and ordering a space pizza. I asked if they could add some space pineapple to the space pizza, as I had heard good things. Unfortunately, as soon as I asked for some space pineapple, I hear Bunko yell “AGGGGHHH! PIE PLAIN! PIE PLAIN!!!”. Because Bunko always gets what Bunko wants, I reluctantly swallowed my space pride and told them to nix the space pineapple.
Once I hung up I realized that she wasn’t yelling “PIE PLAIN” at all, she was actually yelling “MY BRAIN”. Turns out, sometime during my ten second phone call, she had somehow gone and got herself abducted a skelebot (half robot, half human skeleton).
Like a space cheetah on space coffee, I immediately sprung into action. I called the pizza place back to say that it had all been a space sized misunderstanding, and that I still really wanted the space pineapple on the space pizza.
The point is this: space pineapple space sucks.
Also, Bunko’s expression in this photo is too damn good.
BUNKO LEAVES A MAN BEHIND
He cries for help,
she turns her head,
he’s stuck in kelp,
and left for dead.
In August of 1992 Bunko the Brave travelled to the Salton Sea to destroy the man who had stolen not only her Fruit Roll-Up, but also her heart (not to mention her left eye). His name was Ramos, and in middle school he was the lead singer in a glam rock band called “The Glitter Pancake Rebellion”. At the sixth grade talent show he unveiled Clean Sheets are the Best, an epic power ballad about the awesome power of clean sheets. Bunko loved nothing more than sleeping on clean cozy sheets, and as such, her heart swooned for the young Ramos.
The next day at recess Bunko demanded that Ramos be her boyfriend. Ramos told Bunko that he was pretty sure that he was gay, but Bunko wasn’t having it. She immediately declared that they were going steady and that she was ready to have a bunch of babies.
Anyway, after a week of being bossed around by young Bunko, Ramos decided that enough was enough. When Bunko was once again sent to the Principal’s Office for giving Gus, the class Gerbil, a mohawk, Ramos made his move. He broke into Bunko’s “Knight Rider” lunch box and stole her grape Fruit Roll-Up and gave it to Kenny (Bunko’s nemesis and his secret crush).
Long story short, lunch rolled around and Bunko went ballistic when she found out that her one true love had stolen her grape Fruit Roll-Up. She threw her thermos at Kenny’s head and attempted to give Ramos an Indian Rug Burn. Unfortunately she did not take into account the the glue stick in Ramos’ left hand, which he reluctantly shoved deep into her left eye socket.
She was sent to detention for the next fifteen years and upon release she set out to the Salton Sea to destroy Ramos (apparently that’s where he lived). Unfortunately Ramos, as well as most of the town, was long gone. All she found was an empty bottle of beer, an umbrella, and some dead fish.
Apocalyptic Bombay Beach at the Salton Sea, CA
Camera: Nikon FM10
Film Stock: Fuji Velvia 1011
Processing: Cross Processed
Ramos and Kenny fell in love and ran away together to Sweeden. Together with their seven Newfoundland puppies they run a cozy bed and breakfast where the sheets are always clean and the pancakes sparkle with glitter.
See the whole show here. Hopefully if I get my act together I’ll write some poems about some of these.
TOM ALMON - THE RELUCTANT HERO
Hey Dad, thanks so much for reluctantly portraying the mighty Papa Nemo in one of my student films many years ago. Although you were blessed with the coveted lead role of a community hero with the incredible ability to jump off high dives and catch beach balls while in mid-air, I realize that you were still nonetheless…
a. extremely pissed off the entire time,
b. more embarrassed than you’d ever been in your entire life,
c. quickly realizing that your son was “no Spielberg, that’s for sure”.
Yet for some reason you stuck with it and saw the whole damn thing through till the bitter end, and that’s saying a lot considering we had to shoot your dramatic death scene in front of the entire UMBC women’s swim team. Hell, I even I almost jumped ship that day, and all I had to do was hold a camera.
So yeah, if dads are measured by their ability to put up with their kid’s stupid art projects than you’ve gotta be the best dad in America. Thanks man.
Anyway, here’s a few behind-the-scenes pictures of my Dad as Papa Nemo taken on the set of of my student film Nomar Number Three.
If you’d like to read a bit more about Nomar Number Three click here.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PHOTOSHOP EXCELLENCE 04 - “BEHIND THE SCENES OF A MEDIOCRE ANIMATED GIF”
Here’s a behind-the-scenes look at the animated couch jumping GIF that I posted here yesterday.
I’m not sure why, but the behind-the-scenes of my stuff always seems to be more interesting than my actual stuff. I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s definitely not a good thing, but I’m not so sure it’s a bad thing either. Regardless, it’s definitely some sort of thing. Actually, I just made up my mind, it’s definitely a bad thing. Damn, that sucks.
The man cried ouch!
when on a spree,
he jumped the couch,
and broke his knee.
Yes, this gif is totally unnecessary. And yes, the original photo is much more interesting than this gif. That being said, gifs are pretty fun to make, so what the hell.
Anyway, feel free to read more poems about my pictures HERE.
Past Christmas Classics: RETRO SANTA ON GEOFF’S HEAD
No. 03 - “CHRISTMAS DREAMS AND LASER BEAMS”
This one’s pretty similar to the first one but I figured I’d post it for two reasons…
1. I’m rather fond of the title
2. It’s the only one left
Past Christmas Classics: RETRO SANTA ON GEOFF’S HEAD
No. 01 - “SWEATER MAKES IT BETTER”
Not really sure what to say about the next few photos I’m going to post here, except for that once I realized this vintage Santa lawn ornament could fit on my friend Geoff’s head I got really excited.