Six hours left till midnight…
How many items on my daily to-do-list will I complete???
Will I find my socks? Will I find my watch? Will I invest in some pens that don’t smear? Will I spend some quality alone time with my fish? Will I spend some quality alone time with jealous Rigby? And most importantly, is it still possible to have bagels for breakfast???
Tune in HERE later tonight to find out!
SORT OF SCARY STUFF IN JAPAN 01 - “BAD LUCK OMIKUJI”
During our one day in Kyoto I became rather infatuated with these tiny pieces of folded up paper tied to strings. The reason for my infatuation was simple: they looked pretty cool, and I’m a sucker for stuff that looks pretty cool (my wife Vicki is a perfect example of this, she is often a devil woman who will stop at nothing to steal my cozy winter cap, but she looks pretty cool, so I married her).
Anyway, my infatuation turned into an all out obsession once I learned the story behind these tiny rolled up pieces of paper. Here it is…
The various temples and shrines of Japan all sell fortunes, called Omikuji. If you draw a good Omikuji you fold that sucker back up, shove it in your pocket, and take it home and enjoy the hell out of your newfound good luck. But if you draw a bad Omikuji, well, your basically doomed, unless you follow these three simple steps…
1. Don’t freak out, play it cool! Whatever you do, definitely don’t call your mom for help, that’s pathetic. You can beat this thing.
2. Once you have your cool under control, casually begin walking around the shrine until you find a string or branch that has several other bad Omikuji tied to it.
3. Tie your Omikuji to said string or branch and run like hell (unless you have high blood pressure, if that’s the case you should probably just walk fast).
If you follow these three simple steps all is good, you have nothing to worry about. Basically what will happen is that the “Divine Spirit” will use it’s special skills to exorcise the bad luck. Think of the Divine Spirit as a big fat sponge that soaks up evil instead of water.
Anyway, I thought that was a really cool, albeit mildly terrifying, aspect of Japanese culture.
Here’s a few more pictures of some bad luck Omikuji…
CONFUSING STUFF IN JAPAN 01 - “TANNER BATTLES THE VERTICAL SIGN-IN SHEET”
So during our one day in Kyoto we spent several hours bouncing around temple to temple. The first temple had this very cool sign-in sheet. Here’s a quick rundown of my train of thought as I stared down at the sheet…
0-7 seconds: Wow, that looks like a shot from a Wes Anderson movie!
8-10 seconds: I’ll sign us in and take a picture!
11-15 seconds: I have no idea how to sign us in. This makes no sense. Do I write up and down?
15-17 seconds: Oh well, I’ll take a picture anyway. It looks cool.
18-25 seconds: Woah! My socks actually match today! Way to be Tanner, way to be!
26-37 seconds: I wonder if that’s a number 2 pencil? Is Japan as obsessed with number 2 pencils as America is?
38-40 seconds: Seriously, what’s the deal with number 2 pencils in America? Would my SAT have self destructed into a ball of flames had I filled in a bubble with a number 3 pencil?
41-51 seconds: Does a number 3 pencil even exist? If so, is anyone ever allowed to use it? It would really suck to be a number 3 pencil and never get used. I hope number 3 pencils don’t exist because if they did I’d feel really bad for them.
52-60 seconds: I wonder if I’m gonna have to take my shoes off in every temple. I hate taking my shoes off. I wish I’d worn flip flops.
61-72 seconds: I’m so sick of Vicki always trying to steal my cozy winter cap. I never ask to borrow her cool gloves that transform into mittens. Why’s she gotta be a devil woman sometimes?
73-81 seconds: If I don’t find some chicken teriyaki today I’m gonna find a number 2 pencil and shove it in my eye just so I can forget about my craving for one second.
82- 86 seconds: I’m not even sure if this is a sign-in sheet. Maybe it’s a sign-out sheet? Good grief, I have no idea what I’m looking at.
87-90 seconds: Why does everyone always hate on The Life Aquatic? I really think it’s Wes Anderson’s best work.
91-100 seconds: I wonder if there’s a line behind me? Should I pretend to write something down?
Anyway, I played it cool and pretended to write something down. Also, I did a bit of research afterwards and the answer is yes, number 3 pencils do exist. I’m not sure what they’re used for, but if I ever have to take another standardized test I’m definitely gonna give a number 3 a shot and see what happens. Don’t worry, I’m not stupid, I’ll be sure to wear a helmet and safety goggles.
COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 24 - “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?”
As far as I see it, there are only three viable options…
a. Jack
b. Folded up papers with fortunes
c. Gwyneth Paltrow’s “pretty” head
I’m gonna go out on a limb and go with “b”, as you can actually see the folded papers sitting inside the box. If you guessed “a” or “c” you should probably have your eyes checked out by a certified eyeball technician. Also, I apologize if I may have just ruined the ending of Seven for some of you.
Finally, here’s a few more pictures of Vicki and her Dad checking out their fortunes…
I’m pretty sure Vicki’s fortune read as follows… “Before the day is over you will possess Tanner’s cozy winter cap”.
DOMESTIC ABUSE IN JAPAN 01 - “BRUISED KNEES AND USED BUNNIES”
This is what happens when you say “Sorry Vicki, but I rather like my cozy winter cap, you can’t have it today”.
For those of you new to the game, this is Vicki, she’s my wife. She’s pretty hot, but not as hot as her temper. Also, she is completely obsessed with my cozy winter cap.
SAD STUFF IN JAPAN 02 - “MY WIFE’S PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT A COZY WINTER CAP”
Not even a pair of furball earmuffs could save this train wreck of coziness. Trust me, Vicki may look cute and comfy in this photo, but it’s all acting. As soon as the camera was off she was literally begging me for my cozy winter cap. I said “Hell no woman! It’s not my fault you created some haphazard frankenstein contraption to keep your head warm! I’d rather give you a kiss in public than give up my cozy winter cap!!!” (If you know me this is sort of funny as I am VERY against public displays of affection).
Anyway, I think it goes without saying that Vicki ultimately ended up with my cozy winter cap. Once she starts talking with her fists I tend to give in to her demands.
To read more tales of our cozy winter cap drama while in Japan click here, here, or here.
COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 20 - “MY FAVORITE THING IN THIS PHOTO IS NOT THE RABBIT”
Because while the rabbit is indeed awesome, it is nowhere near as awesome as my cozy winter cap. Its coziness knows no bounds!!!
Sometimes I feel bad because my cozy winter cap has never gotten to experience what it’s like to wear a cozy winter cap. One day before I die I hope to get a cozy winter cap for my cozy winter cap so that it can finally feel it’s own magical coziness.
TUMBLR EXCLUSIVE - “VICKI FINALLY GETS HER OWN COZY WINTER CAP!!!”
After several days of Vicki using and abusing MY cozy winter cap, we finally found her a cozy winter cap to call her own. While obviously not as cozy as MY cozy winter cap, it nevertheless did it’s job. Actually, I take that back, it didn’t do it’s job at all because eventually we had to supplement her cozy winter cap with a pair of cozy winter earmuffs. Good grief, the amount of drama we had with cozy winter caps and cozy winter earmuffs during our brief trip to Japan is unbelievable. I’m not kidding, I could probably write a book about all of our cozy winter cap drama. And poor Vicki’s dad (also pictured above), that guy never had a cozy winter cap, his ears must have been freezing.
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