BUNKO FORGETS HER CHAPSTICK
As she waits to die,
she looks up at the sky,
and wonders why,
her lips are dry.
BUNKO LEAVES A MAN BEHIND
He cries for help,
she turns her head,
he’s stuck in kelp,
and left for dead.
A few months back I purchased these mossballs from the back of some hippie’s van in Williamsburg. Ever since then amazing things have been happening to me. Here’s the top nine…
1. My breakfast cereal, whether it be Apple Jacks or Kix, never gets soggy.
2. No one has touched my ear inappropriately on the subway.
3. All of my socks seem to be accounted for. Finally.
4. I stopped having dreams about Vicki dressed as Wolverine devouring all my Sunday morning pancakes.
5. Vicki finally admitted that “The Zissou” might be a good name for our pending baby.
6. Vicki got a “body pillow” which means I inherited one of her regular pillows!
7. My mom finally invited me to one of her Super Mario Dance Parties where everyone swings their arms from side to side.
8. No one has yet to invent a cozy winter cap that converts into a coffee mug in case of emergency, which means I still have a chance to blow the minds of millions.
9. Vicki can’t seem to stop touching my ear inappropriately. Ohhh yeah!
In August of 1992 Bunko the Brave travelled to the Salton Sea to destroy the man who had stolen not only her Fruit Roll-Up, but also her heart (not to mention her left eye). His name was Ramos, and in middle school he was the lead singer in a glam rock band called “The Glitter Pancake Rebellion”. At the sixth grade talent show he unveiled Clean Sheets are the Best, an epic power ballad about the awesome power of clean sheets. Bunko loved nothing more than sleeping on clean cozy sheets, and as such, her heart swooned for the young Ramos.
The next day at recess Bunko demanded that Ramos be her boyfriend. Ramos told Bunko that he was pretty sure that he was gay, but Bunko wasn’t having it. She immediately declared that they were going steady and that she was ready to have a bunch of babies.
Anyway, after a week of being bossed around by young Bunko, Ramos decided that enough was enough. When Bunko was once again sent to the Principal’s Office for giving Gus, the class Gerbil, a mohawk, Ramos made his move. He broke into Bunko’s “Knight Rider” lunch box and stole her grape Fruit Roll-Up and gave it to Kenny (Bunko’s nemesis and his secret crush).
Long story short, lunch rolled around and Bunko went ballistic when she found out that her one true love had stolen her grape Fruit Roll-Up. She threw her thermos at Kenny’s head and attempted to give Ramos an Indian Rug Burn. Unfortunately she did not take into account the the glue stick in Ramos’ left hand, which he reluctantly shoved deep into her left eye socket.
She was sent to detention for the next fifteen years and upon release she set out to the Salton Sea to destroy Ramos (apparently that’s where he lived). Unfortunately Ramos, as well as most of the town, was long gone. All she found was an empty bottle of beer, an umbrella, and some dead fish.
Apocalyptic Bombay Beach at the Salton Sea, CA
Camera: Nikon FM10
Film Stock: Fuji Velvia 1011
Processing: Cross Processed
Ramos and Kenny fell in love and ran away together to Sweeden. Together with their seven Newfoundland puppies they run a cozy bed and breakfast where the sheets are always clean and the pancakes sparkle with glitter.
See the whole show here. Hopefully if I get my act together I’ll write some poems about some of these.
VICKI KILLS RABID SPARROW
This one time a rabid sparrow crashed through my window so I got down on the floor and called Vicki and told her to buy a crossbow on her way home from yoga class.
Twenty minutes later Vicki waked in and shot an arrow right through that sparrow.
DON’T “F” WITH GEOFF
This one time my friend Geoff was about to bite into his Auntie Anne’s soft pretzel when some surfer dude in flip flops appeared out of nowhere and stole it! As is often the case in such situations, Geoff calmly removed his shirt, jumped onto his moped, chased down the surfer dude, and ripped off his leg!!!
The moral of this story…
DON’T F WITH GEOFF!!!
Disclaimer: The phrase “Don’t F With Geoff” is copyrighted to Nick Prevas and Geofferson Thomas. If you would like to use it as your company slogan and/or swim team name, I believe that they are currently charging a flat fee of around three hundred dollars for unlimited usage throughout the universe*.
*Universe does not include Nebraska, Jupiter, or the Atlantic Ocean.
VICKI DOESN’T SHARE THEM APPLES
This one time Vicki and I were at a carnival and I spent my last twenty bucks attempting to win her a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee (I did not succeed). As we were leaving the carnival she got herself a delectable candy apple. I asked her if I could have a bite. She said “You can have a bite when I have a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee”.
The next day I went out and got myself a squirt gun and a wooden bird feeder. I spent the next 364 days shooting that squirt gun through the little hole of the bird feeder. We went back to the carnival and I easily won the stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee. I handed it to Vicki and asked for a bite of her candy apple. She replied “I don’t wan’t a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee, I want a stuffed baby bumble bee dressed like porcupine. No bite for you!!!”
Anyway, the most amazing part of this whole story is that she was still chewing on that same damn candy apple nearly a year later.
THE TIME VICKI ALMOST ATE RIGBY
This one time Vicki and I got lost in a snow storm while walking Rigby. After about ten minutes Vicki’s tummy began to rumble and she suggested that we eat Rigby. Rigby quickly yelled “Damn woman! It’s only been ten minutes! At least eat some snow before you eat YOUR F-ING PUPPY!!!”. An awkward silence soon ensued where they both glared at me for support. Eventually I reluctantly mumbled “he’s kind of gotta point”.
I’ve been sleeping on the couch ever since.
MY IPHONE SHOT OF THE WEEK - “WAY TO BE A ONE-UPPER, WINDSHIELD”
Several months ago the broken bottle of Heineken (seen above) appointed himself the self-proclaimed “King of the Broken Stuff” between Dobbin and Banker streets. However, a few days ago this a-hole windshield decided to park himself right next to the “King”. The following conversation ensued…
Heineken: “Dude! Seriously? WTF!!!”
Heineken: “I’m the King of the Broken Stuff round these parts! Way to be a one-upper a-hole!!!”
Windshield: “How are we talking? We’re inanimate objects.”
Heineken: “Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you… Captain Buzzkill!!! If you have a nice moment that you’d like to see destroyed just call Captain Buzzkill!!! Only Captain Buzzkill has the power to suck the life out of all the nice moments in your life!!!”
Windshield: “So this is how it’s gonna be?”
Heineken: “Put some pants on pervert.”
If you’d like to see more of my daily iPhone photos click here. Most of em are pretty boring but whatever, it’s cool.
MY IPHONE SHOT OF THE WEEK - “BLOODY BED BUG INFESTED TELEVISION SET ON BLUE CONCRETE”
In an effort to keep this blog a bit more active I’ve decided to start reblogging one of my iPhone pictures every week. I think every Sunday or Monday I’ll pick my favorite shot from the previous seven days and give you folks the exclusive scoop into the totally true story behind the picture. Let’s get started…
So Vicki and I were limping to the store to get band aids for our bloody feet when we stumbled upon this vintage television set on Dobbin Street in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. I immediately picked it up to carry home when Vicki (a.k.a. Bunko the Buzzkill) reminded me that anything found on the street in Brooklyn definitely probably has Bed Bugs. So I spent the next ten minutes, bleeding mind you, weighing the pros and cons of Bed Bugs versus the Awesome Television Set and wondering what Vicki meant when she said “definitely probably”. Ultimately those Bed Bug Bastards won and I’m still bitter about it.
If you’re curious as to why our feet were bleeding, here’s the deal…
We were playing a fun little game Vicki made up called Die Hard. The rules are simple… we put on wife beaters and run around our apartment on broken glass yelling “Yippie Kay Yay Mother F-er!!!”. The first person to quit looses. Aside from the broken glass part it’s a pretty cool game.