VICKI DOESN’T SHARE THEM APPLES

This one time Vicki and I were at a carnival and I spent my last twenty bucks attempting to win her a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee (I did not succeed). As we were leaving the carnival she got herself a delectable candy apple. I asked her if I could have a bite. She said “You can have a bite when I have a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee”. 

The next day I went out and got myself a squirt gun and a wooden bird feeder. I spent the next 364 days shooting that squirt gun through the little hole of the bird feeder. We went back to the carnival and I easily won the stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee. I handed it to Vicki and asked for a bite of her candy apple. She replied “I don’t wan’t a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee, I want a stuffed baby bumble bee dressed like porcupine. No bite for you!!!”

Anyway, the most amazing part of this whole story is that she was still chewing on that same damn candy apple nearly a year later.

THE TIME VICKI ALMOST ATE RIGBY

This one time Vicki and I got lost in a snow storm while walking Rigby. After about ten minutes Vicki’s tummy began to rumble and she suggested that we eat Rigby. Rigby quickly yelled “Damn woman! It’s only been ten minutes! At least eat some snow before you eat YOUR F-ING PUPPY!!!”. An awkward silence soon ensued where they both glared at me for support. Eventually I reluctantly mumbled “he’s kind of gotta point”.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch ever since.

MY JOURNAL ENTRY OF THE WEEK - POLAR-oid BEAR

I liked this one best because…

a. it has a baby polar bear and a rainbow!!!

b. it has a baby polar bear and a rainbow!!!

c. it has a baby polar bear and a rainbow!!!

d. all of the above.

Answer: “D”

Behind-the-scenes: I couldn’t find my pencil sharpener last night, so in order to complete this drawing I had to risk my life several times by using Vicki’s biggest kitchen knife to sharpen my colored pencils.

P.S. Please don’t tell Vicki that I used her biggest kitchen knife, she’d KILL me, I’m DEAD serious. Vicki is very protective of two things in this world, one being her knives, the other being the stuffed baby penguin I got her for Christmas in 2005.

P.S. #2 Don’t tell Vicki this, but if winter rolls around and she tries to once again steal my cozy winter cap, I’m gonna murder that stuffed baby penguin with her biggest kitchen knife.

To see more of my daily journal entries feel free to check out MY DAILY JOURNAL THING.

Pencil Sharpener: “Knock Knock.”

Me: “Who’s there?”

Pencil Sharpener: “I’m broken.”

Me: “I’m broken who?”

Pencil Sharpener: “I’m broken you idiot! Stop using me if you wanna have any g-damn blue left!!!”

Me: “Knock Knock.”

Pencil Sharpener: “Who’s there?”

Me: “I thought it was the g-damn pencil.”

Pencil Sharpener: “I thought it was the g-damn pencil who?”

Me: “I thought it was the g-damn pencil that was broken, not you. My bad.”

MY JOURNAL ENTRY OF THE WEEK - “GRUMPUS JUST CAN’T GET INTO RADIOHEAD”

I liked this one best because…

1. I find the idea of cuddly monsters wearing human underpants HIGHLY amusing

2. I can relate to Grumpus, as I’ve never really gotten the whole “Radiohead” thing either

3. Once again, I dig the underpants!

To see more of my daily journal entries click here!

MY JOURNAL ENTRY OF THE WEEK - “THE DISHEVELED MONSTER”

I liked this one because…

1. I like how I went crazy (pronounced CUH-RAYYYYYYY-ZEEEEEE!!!!) with my pen.

2. I like how the monster is wearing a tie. I like to think that he works at Initech and has just realized that he forgot to do his TPS Reports.

3. I’m pretty happy with my “Big Idea” about making a short film about an angry bearded hermit crab. If anyone knows any out of work hermit crab actors who are willing to work for copy, credit, and meals please send them this link!!! Although I’d prefer that they have beards, I’d consider a beardless hermit crab if he’s right for the part. However, he must own and operate an insured Zamboni, that is is non-negotiable!!!

I guess that’s pretty much it. If you’d like to see more of my daily journal entries just click here. Yep, it’s that easy!

NOTE: Yeah…. if you’re umm… yeah, if you’re unfamiliar with Initech and/or TPS Reports, ummm, yeah… I’m gonna need you to come in this weekend and, uhhh… yeah, I’m gonna need you to come in and watch Office Space… yeah, definitely make that a priority, it’s that good… yeah.

This manatee is..

a. stealing the mailbox so that he can pawn it for some kelp.

b. trying to eat the mailbox because he ate all his kelp and is still hungry.

c. praying that the mailman delivers some envelopes filled with kelp.

d. thinking to himself “Dude, how much kelp did I smoke? Is this a mailbox? Should I eat it? I think I’ll eat it.”

I’m gonna go with “D”. Just look at his eyes, my man(atee) is baked like a cupcake.

THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH RIGBY ZISSOU

Once my fish decide to stop hiding in the damn corner and come out for their inaugural photo shoot I’ll post some real photos. Until then this gratuitously vintage instagram porn will have to do.