I took this photo at least six years ago and just scanned it today. There are several hundred similar negatives that have been sitting in a box under my bed for years. It’s pathetic. And don’t get me started on getting prints made. Of all photos Vicki and I have taken together over the years, I’ve printed one, which is better than zero, but still, quite pathetic.
Anyway, if you look up pathetic in the dictionary, you’ll probably won’t even find my name, because I’m so pathetic.
IT’S A GIRL
And her name is Bunko Jr. until otherwise noted.
In August of 1992 Bunko the Brave travelled to the Salton Sea to destroy the man who had stolen not only her Fruit Roll-Up, but also her heart (not to mention her left eye). His name was Ramos, and in middle school he was the lead singer in a glam rock band called “The Glitter Pancake Rebellion”. At the sixth grade talent show he unveiled Clean Sheets are the Best, an epic power ballad about the awesome power of clean sheets. Bunko loved nothing more than sleeping on clean cozy sheets, and as such, her heart swooned for the young Ramos.
The next day at recess Bunko demanded that Ramos be her boyfriend. Ramos told Bunko that he was pretty sure that he was gay, but Bunko wasn’t having it. She immediately declared that they were going steady and that she was ready to have a bunch of babies.
Anyway, after a week of being bossed around by young Bunko, Ramos decided that enough was enough. When Bunko was once again sent to the Principal’s Office for giving Gus, the class Gerbil, a mohawk, Ramos made his move. He broke into Bunko’s “Knight Rider” lunch box and stole her grape Fruit Roll-Up and gave it to Kenny (Bunko’s nemesis and his secret crush).
Long story short, lunch rolled around and Bunko went ballistic when she found out that her one true love had stolen her grape Fruit Roll-Up. She threw her thermos at Kenny’s head and attempted to give Ramos an Indian Rug Burn. Unfortunately she did not take into account the the glue stick in Ramos’ left hand, which he reluctantly shoved deep into her left eye socket.
She was sent to detention for the next fifteen years and upon release she set out to the Salton Sea to destroy Ramos (apparently that’s where he lived). Unfortunately Ramos, as well as most of the town, was long gone. All she found was an empty bottle of beer, an umbrella, and some dead fish.
Apocalyptic Bombay Beach at the Salton Sea, CA
Camera: Nikon FM10
Film Stock: Fuji Velvia 1011
Processing: Cross Processed
Ramos and Kenny fell in love and ran away together to Sweeden. Together with their seven Newfoundland puppies they run a cozy bed and breakfast where the sheets are always clean and the pancakes sparkle with glitter.
See the whole show here. Hopefully if I get my act together I’ll write some poems about some of these.
PLEASE BUNKO DON’T HURT ‘EM
Here’s a sneak peak at what I’m working on when I’m not working. High fives and hugs to anyone who can name the album that the title of this post is referencing.
Hint: It’s only the best album of all time and the recording artist was famous for wearing big baggy shiny pants.
NO MATTER HOW HARD SHE TRIES
Poor Bunko just can’t seem to block out the sound of the screaming baby koala bears.
Do not be fooled, Bunko does NOT find the sound to be sad or disturbing, she simply finds it to be annoying… REALLY annoying.
BUNKO UNDER PRESSURE
There are eleven baby koala bears trapped inside of this trailer. As Bunko struggles to prevent it from tumbling over, she reluctantly absorbs the collective thoughts of the baby koalas. They are thinking, “Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air was so much better once they got rid of the original Aunt Vivian”. Bunko loved the original Aunt Vivian and couldn’t stand the replacement Aunt Vivian, and as such, she considers just letting the damn thing fall.
Not Pictured: Bunko just letting the damn thing fall.
Also Not Pictured: Eleven dead baby koala bears in a pool of their own blood.
BUNKO THE BRAVE READS A FAN LETTER
It reads as follows…
Dear Bunko the Brave, you are my hero! Every time my teacher puts me in time out for trying to set Bob the Bunny free I punch her in the face! Oh, and guess what, yesterday I threw my desk through the damn window because I thought to myself, “what would Bunko do if ‘the man’ made her share her crayons with a boy?”. I can’t wait for this kindergarten hell to end.
Over and out,
Coco the Confident
P.S. I want to get a tattoo of you eating pancakes on my bicep but my mom says you don’t eat pancakes. That made me cry. Do you eat pancakes Bunko??? I sure hope so.
BUNKO AND THE VERY DEAD FISH
a. absorbing the final memory of the dead fish so that she can figure out who killed him. She will absolutely be seeking vengeance.
b. thinking that she just found herself some lunch!
c. trying to figure out why her magic touch has not transformed the fish into a cupcake.
d. all of the above.
Answer: Obviously “D”.
Tip: To see the dead fish in all it’s mummified glory click through to the hi-res version!
OH BUNKO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Seriously, this place does NOT look safe. You already lost one eye in that encounter with the Abominable Snowman’s wife, why risk loosing another? I’m serious, with no eyes you’ll never be able to watch Cucpcake Wars on The Food Network.
Before she came to be known as “Bunko the Brave”, she was simply “Bunko the Broken” from the land of “Bunko the Barren”. The photograph above is actually the first ever documented photograph of young Bunko. Here’s the story of our first encounter…
I was out in the desert on a routine spiritual quest when I stumbled upon this “sunken city”. As I walked around looking for something to steal I saw a young feral woman with one beautiful eye admiring my Bob Seger T Shirt. I fed her some Sour Patch Kids and then we sat in my Honda Element (pictured, far left) and I played her “Night Moves”. A few years later we were married, blah blah blah.