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Hi, I'm Tanner. I like cloudy days and fish tanks. I have a wife and a kid. I like them as well.
Posts tagged desert
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As Wendy looked up at the stupid sky she wondered what would kill her first. Would it be the sea urchin she’d punched in the face just a few hours earlier? Would it be the sea urchin’s ex-wife, Wanda, seeking vengeance for her man? Or perhaps it would be the sea urchin’s illegitimate half-sea-cucumber bastard child, Todd, seeking social acceptance in an unforgiving world. Would it even be a sea urchin? Hell, would it even be be a sea creature? Maybe it’d be her ex-boyfriend, Perry Bowser? She never did acknowledge his gummy bear city. Or maybe it would be her former scuba instructor, Dale Hawaii? She never did respect his hermetically sealed speedo. Or maybe it would just be something annoying like sun burn or pink eye.


As Dave and Wendy sat in Dave’s “research” van eating space breakfast (space toast and space syrup), Dave decided to brew up some space coffee. Unfortunately he made the brew way too strong… so strong, in fact, that it blew the space coffee pot’s hermetic seal. “Dammit Dave! The hermetic seal’s been breached! We be doomed my man!” 

Dave clumsily tried to clog the leak with space syrup, but it was too late, the space coffee’s stale aroma had already permeated the perimeter and awakened the hibernating skelebots*.

And thus so began the Great Skelebot Uprising of 1989. As a particularly cranky skelebot battled Wendy for her space mug full of stale space coffee, Dave attempted to phone ground control. Regrettably, Dave’s fingers, still covered in sticky space syrup, made this task more or less impossible. Wendy was abducted and Dave was left for dead (with a phone stuck to his hand).

* A skelebot is a creature, most likely from hell, that has the head of a robot and the body of a human skeleton. They enjoy space coffee, 80’s New Wave, and animated GIFs.


As Dave reluctantly reached into the piranha infested waters to pick up the metal coil, he thought to himself “Is this really what I should be doing with my life, I went to college, I have a reliable van, why the hell am I sitting in piranha infested waters in a thrift store space suit?”. As he gazed into the reflection of his pathetic existence, he decided not to pick up the tetanus infested coil. He said “See Ya Wendy” and hopped into his van, which wouldn’t start. Wendy called a tow truck.


And her name is Bunko Jr. until otherwise noted. 


In August of 1992 Bunko the Brave travelled to the Salton Sea to destroy the man who had stolen not only her Fruit Roll-Up, but also her heart (not to mention her left eye). His name was Ramos, and in middle school he was the lead singer in a glam rock band called “The Glitter Pancake Rebellion”. At the sixth grade talent show he unveiled Clean Sheets are the Best, an epic power ballad about the awesome power of clean sheets. Bunko loved nothing more than sleeping on clean cozy sheets, and as such, her heart swooned for the young Ramos.

The next day at recess Bunko demanded that Ramos be her boyfriend. Ramos told Bunko that he was pretty sure that he was gay, but Bunko wasn’t having it. She immediately declared that they were going steady and that she was ready to have a bunch of babies.

Anyway, after a week of being bossed around by young Bunko, Ramos decided that enough was enough. When Bunko was once again sent to the Principal’s Office for giving Gus, the class Gerbil, a mohawk, Ramos made his move. He broke into Bunko’s “Knight Rider” lunch box and stole her grape Fruit Roll-Up and gave it to Kenny (Bunko’s nemesis and his secret crush). 

Long story short, lunch rolled around and Bunko went ballistic when she found out that her one true love had stolen her grape Fruit Roll-Up. She threw her thermos at Kenny’s head and attempted to give Ramos an Indian Rug Burn. Unfortunately she did not take into account the the glue stick in Ramos’ left hand, which he reluctantly shoved deep into her left eye socket.

She was sent to detention for the next fifteen years and upon release she set out to the Salton Sea to destroy Ramos (apparently that’s where he lived). Unfortunately Ramos, as well as most of the town, was long gone. All she found was an empty bottle of beer, an umbrella, and some dead fish.


Poor Bunko just can’t seem to block out the sound of the screaming baby koala bears.

Do not be fooled, Bunko does NOT find the sound to be sad or disturbing, she simply finds it to be annoying… REALLY annoying.


There are eleven baby koala bears trapped inside of this trailer. As Bunko struggles to prevent it from tumbling over, she reluctantly absorbs the collective thoughts of the baby koalas. They are thinking, “Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air was so much better once they got rid of the original Aunt Vivian”. Bunko loved the original Aunt Vivian and couldn’t stand the replacement Aunt Vivian, and as such, she considers just letting the damn thing fall.

Not Pictured: Bunko just letting the damn thing fall.

Also Not Pictured: Eleven dead baby koala bears in a pool of their own blood.


It reads as follows…

Dear Bunko the Brave, you are my hero! Every time my teacher puts me in time out for trying to set Bob the Bunny free I punch her in the face! Oh, and guess what, yesterday I threw my desk through the damn window because I thought to myself, “what would Bunko do if ‘the man’ made her share her crayons with a boy?”. I can’t wait for this kindergarten hell to end. 

Over and out,

Coco the Confident

P.S. I want to get a tattoo of you eating pancakes on my bicep but my mom says you don’t eat pancakes. That made me cry. Do you eat pancakes Bunko??? I sure hope so.


Bunko is…

a. absorbing the final memory of the dead fish so that she can figure out who killed him. She will absolutely be seeking vengeance.

b. thinking that she just found herself some lunch!

c. trying to figure out why her magic touch has not transformed the fish into a cupcake.

d. all of the above.

Answer: Obviously “D”. 

Tip: To see the dead fish in all it’s mummified glory click through to the hi-res version!


Seriously, this place does NOT look safe. You already lost one eye in that encounter with the Abominable Snowman’s wife, why risk loosing another? I’m serious, with no eyes you’ll never be able to watch Cucpcake Wars on The Food Network.