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Hi, I'm Tanner. I like cloudy days and fish tanks. I have a wife and a kid. I like them as well.
Posts tagged film
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EMI IMPERSONATES KEANU REEVES

Emi kind of botched this one. Patrick Swayze DID NOT put babies in the corners, he actually did his best to PREVENT babies from ever being put in the corners. Other than that… nailed it!

EMI IMPERSONATES NICOLAS CAGE

"Put… the… bunny… back… in… the box."

-Nicolas Cage (as Cameron Poe) in Con Air (1997)

EMI IMPERSONATES TED DANSON

They said it couldn’t be done. “Ted’s verbal cadences are too unpredictable to ever be accurately impersonated” they said. “Ted’s vocalizations are dolphin-esque” they said.

Well, she’s two, and she just nailed it.

GUMMY BEAR CITY

As Wendy looked up at the stupid sky she wondered what would kill her first. Would it be the sea urchin she’d punched in the face just a few hours earlier? Would it be the sea urchin’s ex-wife, Wanda, seeking vengeance for her man? Or perhaps it would be the sea urchin’s illegitimate half-sea-cucumber bastard child, Todd, seeking social acceptance in an unforgiving world. Would it even be a sea urchin? Hell, would it even be be a sea creature? Maybe it’d be her ex-boyfriend, Perry Bowser? She never did acknowledge his gummy bear city. Or maybe it would be her former scuba instructor, Dale Hawaii? She never did respect his hermetically sealed speedo. Or maybe it would just be something annoying like sun burn or pink eye.

SPACE COFFEE

As Dave and Wendy sat in Dave’s “research” van eating space breakfast (space toast and space syrup), Dave decided to brew up some space coffee. Unfortunately he made the brew way too strong… so strong, in fact, that it blew the space coffee pot’s hermetic seal. “Dammit Dave! The hermetic seal’s been breached! We be doomed my man!” 

Dave clumsily tried to clog the leak with space syrup, but it was too late, the space coffee’s stale aroma had already permeated the perimeter and awakened the hibernating skelebots*.

And thus so began the Great Skelebot Uprising of 1989. As a particularly cranky skelebot battled Wendy for her space mug full of stale space coffee, Dave attempted to phone ground control. Regrettably, Dave’s fingers, still covered in sticky space syrup, made this task more or less impossible. Wendy was abducted and Dave was left for dead (with a phone stuck to his hand).

* A skelebot is a creature, most likely from hell, that has the head of a robot and the body of a human skeleton. They enjoy space coffee, 80’s New Wave, and animated GIFs.

DRUNKEN SEA URCHIN FROM HELL

"CRIKEY!!!" screamed Dave, “My hermetically sealed jumpsuit’s been breached!!!". “Dammit Dave" screamed Wendy, “What the hell happened this time?". As Dave dropped to his knees gasping for air, he mumbled, “It appeared to be some sort of drunken sea urchin from hell". Wendy punched the sea urchin in the face and reluctantly carried Dave to safety.

Toxicology reports later revealed that the “drunken” sea urchin was actually sober at the time of Dave’s alleged hermetic breach. The sea urchin is currently suing Dave for defamation of character.

ELECTRIC RAZOR TED DANSON

Where did it all go wrong? Just an hour earlier they were making out in the back of Dave’s “research” van. Now they stand in silence, fighting not only the gravitational pull of earth, but also the gravitational pull of their heavy hearts. Perhaps Dave should’ve shaved his back before removing his hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Or perhaps Wendy should’ve explained her Ted Danson tattoo before letting Dave remove her hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Regardless, nothing but time (and maybe an electric razor) is gonna fix this thing.

COIL TURMOIL

As Dave reluctantly reached into the piranha infested waters to pick up the metal coil, he thought to himself “Is this really what I should be doing with my life, I went to college, I have a reliable van, why the hell am I sitting in piranha infested waters in a thrift store space suit?”. As he gazed into the reflection of his pathetic existence, he decided not to pick up the tetanus infested coil. He said “See Ya Wendy” and hopped into his van, which wouldn’t start. Wendy called a tow truck.

MOON WALKERS

She wanted to stay,

inside the truck,

he said no way,

and now they’re stuck.

BUNKO LEAVES A MAN BEHIND

He cries for help,

she turns her head,

he’s stuck in kelp,

and left for dead.

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