TANNER BLOG
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Hi, I'm Tanner. I like cloudy days and fish tanks. I have a wife and a kid. I like them as well.
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GUMMY BEAR CITY

As Wendy looked up at the stupid sky she wondered what would kill her first. Would it be the sea urchin she’d punched in the face just a few hours earlier? Would it be the sea urchin’s ex-wife, Wanda, seeking vengeance for her man? Or perhaps it would be the sea urchin’s illegitimate half-sea-cucumber bastard child, Todd, seeking social acceptance in an unforgiving world. Would it even be a sea urchin? Hell, would it even be be a sea creature? Maybe it’d be her ex-boyfriend, Perry Bowser? She never did acknowledge his gummy bear city. Or maybe it would be her former scuba instructor, Dale Hawaii? She never did respect his hermetically sealed speedo. Or maybe it would just be something annoying like sun burn or pink eye.

SPACE COFFEE

As Dave and Wendy sat in Dave’s “research” van eating space breakfast (space toast and space syrup), Dave decided to brew up some space coffee. Unfortunately he made the brew way too strong… so strong, in fact, that it blew the space coffee pot’s hermetic seal. “Dammit Dave! The hermetic seal’s been breached! We be doomed my man!” 

Dave clumsily tried to clog the leak with space syrup, but it was too late, the space coffee’s stale aroma had already permeated the perimeter and awakened the hibernating skelebots*.

And thus so began the Great Skelebot Uprising of 1989. As a particularly cranky skelebot battled Wendy for her space mug full of stale space coffee, Dave attempted to phone ground control. Regrettably, Dave’s fingers, still covered in sticky space syrup, made this task more or less impossible. Wendy was abducted and Dave was left for dead (with a phone stuck to his hand).

* A skelebot is a creature, most likely from hell, that has the head of a robot and the body of a human skeleton. They enjoy space coffee, 80’s New Wave, and animated GIFs.

BUNKO FORGETS HER CHAPSTICK

As she waits to die,

she looks up at the sky,

and wonders why,

her lips are dry.

MOON WALKERS

She wanted to stay,

inside the truck,

he said no way,

and now they’re stuck.

BOOM!!! BABY BUNKO BORN!!!

So Bunko the Brave, aka Vicki, finally gave birth to Baby Bunko, aka Emi (pronounced Emmy, it’s Vicki’s grandma’s name).

Weighing in at 6 pounds 5 ounces, Baby Bunko enjoys burping, sneezing, and hiccuping. I’m not quite sure if she enjoys being forced into silly poses for my pictures, but she hasn’t said “no” yet, so I guess that must mean she likes it.

I’m thinking about starting up My Mom Reviews My Photos again, this time with daily instagram pictures of Emi. I’m not sure if Pam and Toby would be on board or not, stay tuned.

FLASHBACK FRIDAY 14 - “GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR SKELEBOT ATTACK!!!”

So a few years back Vicki and I jumped into our space suits and headed out to the Salton Sea to conduct some research for a science project we were doing. Once there, however, we realized that we had no test tubes or beakers, much less a hypothesis, and thus mutually decided to abort the whole damn project.

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Anyway, as we stood quietly in the shame of having driven 300 miles into the desert for nothing, we were suddenly attacked by a pack of wild skelebots. What is a skelebot you ask? Well, a skelebot is a skeleton with a robot head. Part skeleton, part robot, all trouble… that’s what a skelebot is. Seriously, they will not stop attacking until they have all of your socks!

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Anyway, we documented the entire attack on Fuji Provia with our 35mm panoramic camera. Unfortunately I’ve never scanned a single frame because I’m worthless. So for now these mediocre polaroids will have to do. As you can see, the skelebot eventually captured Vicki and is attempting to read her mind so that he can figure out where she’s hiding all her socks.

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Looking back these photos make me a bit sad, as they take me back to that special time in my life where I had comfortable cozy socks. Damn you skelebots!!! Give us back our socks! Seriously, do you even wear them or do you just get some sick pleasure from watching our naked feet shiver in the cold? What’s the deal?

TANNER LEARNS AFTER EFFECTS - EPISODE 01

"BASIC ANIMATION WITH KEYFRAMES"

The worst thing about this video is…

a) My pathetic After Effects skills

b) My pathetic vocal skills

c) My pathetic casio keyboard skills

d) All three skills (which in reality are not skills at all, but rather failures) are equally pathetic

I’m gonna go with “c”, although “b” is a close second.

Anyway, long story short I’m currently trying to learn the motion graphics program Adobe After Effects. I’m following along with a great book, Creating Motion Graphics With After Effects, by Trish and Chris Meyer.

At the end of each chapter I plan on making a short silly video to make sure that I really learned what I had read (as opposed to just being a tutorial robot). This is the first of those videos, based on chapter 3 of the book. 

I’m still not sure what provoked me to add the improvised sing along voice over, but I think it will likely be a staple of all future videos in this rather lackluster, and probably unnecessary, series. 

THIRSTY LIKE A MUG

His mother lied,

and stole his drugs,

when she died,

he got her mugs.

HOW IS THAT WORK, EXACTLY?

Since she invented,

the brainwash machine,

her mind’s demented,

but very clean.

DON’T DRINK JELLY FROM STRANGE PLACES

He drank the jelly,

from the tower,

now his belly,

is feeling sour.

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