BABY CANNONBALL BEYOND THUNDER DOME
When Mad Max was arrested for rollerblading naked in the Tina Turner’s Thunder Dome, a pissed off Baby Cannonball swung into action (literally). First, she squeezed her cannonball shaped body into her hyperbolic neoprene jump suit. Next, she shoved her cannonball shaped head into her hermetically sealed bunny helmet. After this, she took a nap.
When she woke up she downed a cup of black coffee and headed out to her green space pod to travel back in time to punch Mad Max in the face for wearing rollerblades.
A few months back I purchased these mossballs from the back of some hippie’s van in Williamsburg. Ever since then amazing things have been happening to me. Here’s the top nine…
1. My breakfast cereal, whether it be Apple Jacks or Kix, never gets soggy.
2. No one has touched my ear inappropriately on the subway.
3. All of my socks seem to be accounted for. Finally.
4. I stopped having dreams about Vicki dressed as Wolverine devouring all my Sunday morning pancakes.
5. Vicki finally admitted that “The Zissou” might be a good name for our pending baby.
6. Vicki got a “body pillow” which means I inherited one of her regular pillows!
7. My mom finally invited me to one of her Super Mario Dance Parties where everyone swings their arms from side to side.
8. No one has yet to invent a cozy winter cap that converts into a coffee mug in case of emergency, which means I still have a chance to blow the minds of millions.
9. Vicki can’t seem to stop touching my ear inappropriately. Ohhh yeah!
BOB AND STEVE FROM THE FUTURE
Tonight I ran into Bob and Steve (pictured). They were sent here from the future for one reason and one reason only: to blow up all the sucky people who beg for pepperoni but when the pizza arrives they immediately make a bee line straight for the cheese.
All I could say was “Well it’s about damn time Bob… and Steve”.
In retrospect I should have said something about Bob and Steve still being names in the future. I wonder what year they were from. With names like Bob and Steve I’m guessing mid 2012.
(Taken with instagram)
2011 CHRISTMAS CARD REJECTS
These were all rejected as “keepers” because Vicki obviously was refusing to take the shoot seriously. I know it’s probably hard to focus when you’ve got a fetus stealing all your nutrients, but damn, it’s not like I was asking her to do taxes for a grumpy porcupine.
If you’d like to see our “real” card click here.
In August of 1992 Bunko the Brave travelled to the Salton Sea to destroy the man who had stolen not only her Fruit Roll-Up, but also her heart (not to mention her left eye). His name was Ramos, and in middle school he was the lead singer in a glam rock band called “The Glitter Pancake Rebellion”. At the sixth grade talent show he unveiled Clean Sheets are the Best, an epic power ballad about the awesome power of clean sheets. Bunko loved nothing more than sleeping on clean cozy sheets, and as such, her heart swooned for the young Ramos.
The next day at recess Bunko demanded that Ramos be her boyfriend. Ramos told Bunko that he was pretty sure that he was gay, but Bunko wasn’t having it. She immediately declared that they were going steady and that she was ready to have a bunch of babies.
Anyway, after a week of being bossed around by young Bunko, Ramos decided that enough was enough. When Bunko was once again sent to the Principal’s Office for giving Gus, the class Gerbil, a mohawk, Ramos made his move. He broke into Bunko’s “Knight Rider” lunch box and stole her grape Fruit Roll-Up and gave it to Kenny (Bunko’s nemesis and his secret crush).
Long story short, lunch rolled around and Bunko went ballistic when she found out that her one true love had stolen her grape Fruit Roll-Up. She threw her thermos at Kenny’s head and attempted to give Ramos an Indian Rug Burn. Unfortunately she did not take into account the the glue stick in Ramos’ left hand, which he reluctantly shoved deep into her left eye socket.
She was sent to detention for the next fifteen years and upon release she set out to the Salton Sea to destroy Ramos (apparently that’s where he lived). Unfortunately Ramos, as well as most of the town, was long gone. All she found was an empty bottle of beer, an umbrella, and some dead fish.
Apocalyptic Bombay Beach at the Salton Sea, CA
Camera: Nikon FM10
Film Stock: Fuji Velvia 1011
Processing: Cross Processed
Ramos and Kenny fell in love and ran away together to Sweeden. Together with their seven Newfoundland puppies they run a cozy bed and breakfast where the sheets are always clean and the pancakes sparkle with glitter.
See the whole show here. Hopefully if I get my act together I’ll write some poems about some of these.
MY JOURNAL ENTRY OF THE WEEK - “BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY”
Although my literal interpretation of Bees Knees was a close runner up, I liked this one best for three reasons…
1. I like how the little girls are each holding coffee mugs.
2. I like that the “Success” motivational poster portrays a cat riding in a tank.
3. I kind of like my idea about taking portraits of folks chewing on pens. I had two terrible experiences in high school where pen ink exploded all over my face without me realizing it, and while it sort of sucked at the time, I think it would’ve made a pretty good portrait.
Anyway, if you’d like to see more of my daily journal entries click here. Most of em are mediocre at best, but whatever, it’s cool.
MY IPHONE SHOT OF THE WEEK - “WAY TO BE A ONE-UPPER, WINDSHIELD”
Several months ago the broken bottle of Heineken (seen above) appointed himself the self-proclaimed “King of the Broken Stuff” between Dobbin and Banker streets. However, a few days ago this a-hole windshield decided to park himself right next to the “King”. The following conversation ensued…
Heineken: “Dude! Seriously? WTF!!!”
Heineken: “I’m the King of the Broken Stuff round these parts! Way to be a one-upper a-hole!!!”
Windshield: “How are we talking? We’re inanimate objects.”
Heineken: “Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you… Captain Buzzkill!!! If you have a nice moment that you’d like to see destroyed just call Captain Buzzkill!!! Only Captain Buzzkill has the power to suck the life out of all the nice moments in your life!!!”
Windshield: “So this is how it’s gonna be?”
Heineken: “Put some pants on pervert.”
If you’d like to see more of my daily iPhone photos click here. Most of em are pretty boring but whatever, it’s cool.
Tanner! So I checked my Japanese copy of Norwegian Wood and where the English one says "chicken teriyaki" the Japanese one says "mushroom soup"!
So the plot has thickened!!! They say that still waters run deep, and while that may be so, they run nowhere near as deep as the Great Chicken Teriyaki Conspiracy of 2010 orchestrated by Vicki and her Grandma. I knew her Grandma was too good to be true. Mark my words, behind every sweet Japanese Grandma lies a sinister plot involving Chicken Teriyaki and Mushroom Soup!!!
As I sink my teeth deeper into this most chewy of conspiracies, I’m quickly becoming convinced that Vicki’s Grandma put her evil plan into motion via a top secret call to Hans Gruber from this sinister phone booth in Kochi.
To be continued…
CALLING ALL BALTIMORE FOLKS!!!
Problem: You live in or around Baltimore but have nothing to do this Thursday night except organize your sock drawer.
Solution: Drop your damn socks and head to the American Visionary Art Museum for an mini outdoor film festival!!! It’s FREE!!!
I guarantee a good time will be had as the films are terrific and the Visionary Art Museum is hands down the most awesomely happy creative place in all of Baltimore. Unfortunately Vicki and I won’t be able to make it, but we’ll be there in spirit as it looks like they’ll be playing Soda Pop Cough Drop and maybe some of our Furball Films.
Anyway, here’s the official details…
Fun House Movie Night at Mr. Rain’s Fun House (inside the American Visionary Art Museum)
Featuring original films by Tanner Almon, Kristen Anchor, Justin Plakas & Nick Prevas. FREE screening starts at 9pm on the outdoor patio - come devour some delicious food, drinks, and film!
Thursday June 9 | 9pm | FREE
at Mr. Rain’s Fun House @ the AVAM (800 Key Hwy Baltimore)
mrrainsfunhouse.com | avam.org
Check out the filmmakers:
Tanner Almon: tanneralmon.com
Kristen Anchor: kristenanchor.com
Justin Plakas: justinplakas.com
Nick Prevas: magnificentlore.com