TANNER BLOG

Posts tagged kyoto
VICKI GETS MAD AT TANNER IN JAPAN 02 - “AT LEAST ONE FAMILY WAS HAPPY THAT DAY” As I was taking a picture of this beautiful family at a shrine in Kyoto, Vicki began a conversation that unfortunately did not lead to a very happy ending… Vicki: “I wish we would’ve rented kimonos and gotten the full Kyoto experience.” Me: “I dunna know, I’m more of a pants man.” Vicki: “You and your pants can go to hell. Way to ruin the moment.”  (For the record, I was unaware that we were even in a “moment”) Me: “Woah little penguin, what’d I do?” Vicki: “All you do is take pictures and ignore me. We’ll never be happy like that family.” At this point Vicki’s eyes began to tear up, so I resorted to my classic “go to” line that I’ve used in countless similar situations. Me: “Don’t be sad.” And once again, my classic “go to” line let me down. Vicki immediately erupted into a burst of tears. I really need a better “go to” line. Also, yes, sometimes I call Vicki “little penguin”.

VICKI GETS MAD AT TANNER IN JAPAN 02 - “AT LEAST ONE FAMILY WAS HAPPY THAT DAY”

As I was taking a picture of this beautiful family at a shrine in Kyoto, Vicki began a conversation that unfortunately did not lead to a very happy ending…

Vicki: “I wish we would’ve rented kimonos and gotten the full Kyoto experience.”

Me: “I dunna know, I’m more of a pants man.”

Vicki: “You and your pants can go to hell. Way to ruin the moment.” 

(For the record, I was unaware that we were even in a “moment”)

Me: “Woah little penguin, what’d I do?”

Vicki: “All you do is take pictures and ignore me. We’ll never be happy like that family.”

At this point Vicki’s eyes began to tear up, so I resorted to my classic “go to” line that I’ve used in countless similar situations.

Me: “Don’t be sad.”

And once again, my classic “go to” line let me down. Vicki immediately erupted into a burst of tears. I really need a better “go to” line.

Also, yes, sometimes I call Vicki “little penguin”.

VICKI GETS MAD AT TANNER IN JAPAN 01 - “MONK DRAMA” As we were leaving a shrine during our day in Kyoto we came upon the adorable woman pictured above. For some reason Vicki decided to actually be nice for once in her life by donating some money to the woman. I know you’re probably thinking “Yeah right, Vicki would never do anything nice for anyone, if anything she’d try to steal that woman’s lovely cap. Pics or didn’t happen”. Well, it’s true, and here’s a few pics to prove it… Here is an exact transcript, per verbatim, of the conversation I had with Vicki a few moments after I took these photos… Me: “Wow, the homeless people in Japan are so polite. I can’t believe she actually bowed to you, that’s so cool.” Vicki: “She’s not homeless you idiot, she’s a monk.” Me: “Seriously? That’s crazy, why’d I think she was homeless?” Vicki: “Please don’t talk” Me: “I didn’t even know women could be monks. That’s pretty cool.” Vicki: “Seriously, keep you’re mouth shut!” At this point Vicki walked to the other side of the street and pretended not to know me.

VICKI GETS MAD AT TANNER IN JAPAN 01 - “MONK DRAMA”

As we were leaving a shrine during our day in Kyoto we came upon the adorable woman pictured above. For some reason Vicki decided to actually be nice for once in her life by donating some money to the woman. I know you’re probably thinking “Yeah right, Vicki would never do anything nice for anyone, if anything she’d try to steal that woman’s lovely cap. Pics or didn’t happen”. Well, it’s true, and here’s a few pics to prove it…

Here is an exact transcript, per verbatim, of the conversation I had with Vicki a few moments after I took these photos…

Me: “Wow, the homeless people in Japan are so polite. I can’t believe she actually bowed to you, that’s so cool.”

Vicki: “She’s not homeless you idiot, she’s a monk.”

Me: “Seriously? That’s crazy, why’d I think she was homeless?”

Vicki: “Please don’t talk”

Me: “I didn’t even know women could be monks. That’s pretty cool.”

Vicki: “Seriously, keep you’re mouth shut!”

At this point Vicki walked to the other side of the street and pretended not to know me.

CONFUSING STUFF IN JAPAN 02 - “AKASHI AND MELISSA LOVE PETER GABRIEL” Pictured above is a close-up of a Japanese ema. What’s an ema you ask? Well, according to the internet an ema is a “small wooden plaque found in Japanese shrines onto which patrons write down prayers or wishes”. I saw quite a few emas during my day spent in Kyoto, but only one was worthy of the What Up With That Ema? award. So, without further ado, I present the first ever What Up With That Ema? award to… AKASHI AND MELISSA!!! Congratulations you two, the ema you created together on November 7th, 2010 made very little sense to me!!! Here is what I found to be most confusing about your ema… 1. I see that “retardation” is first on your list, followed by a smiley face. So I gotta ask, are you wishing and/or praying for retardation? 2. Why the “RPG”? I get that you obviously mean “Remember Peter Gabriel”, which is nice and all, but lets be honest, Genesis was nothing until Phil Collins took the helm. Also, as far as I know, Peter Gabriel is still alive, so why the need to remember him?  3. Your third line reads as follows… “BRIGHT FUTURE. WILD AND STUPID.” I’m sorry, but you can’t have both. Either cross out the “bright future” bit if you want to be stupid, or cross out the “wild & stupid” bit if you want a bright future. You can’t have it both ways… you just can’t. 4. You wrote “BEACH!” twice, which is fine, but it’s redundant and irritating to the viewer. Next time just one “BEACH!” will do, thank you. Finally, if Akashi or Melissa ever read this, please know that I am just joking and absolutely adore your ema! I truly hope that you two are relaxing on a beach somewhere jammin’ out to some classic Peter Gabriel. And Akashi, if you ever think about marrying Melissa, I think you should invest in a boom box and go the whole John Cusack In Your Eyes route, she’ll love it, trust me. Anyway, here’s a few more photos of some of the less interesting ema I saw while in Japan…

CONFUSING STUFF IN JAPAN 02 - “AKASHI AND MELISSA LOVE PETER GABRIEL”

Pictured above is a close-up of a Japanese ema. What’s an ema you ask? Well, according to the internet an ema is a “small wooden plaque found in Japanese shrines onto which patrons write down prayers or wishes”.

I saw quite a few emas during my day spent in Kyoto, but only one was worthy of the What Up With That Ema? award. So, without further ado, I present the first ever What Up With That Ema? award to…

AKASHI AND MELISSA!!!

Congratulations you two, the ema you created together on November 7th, 2010 made very little sense to me!!! Here is what I found to be most confusing about your ema…

1. I see that “retardation” is first on your list, followed by a smiley face. So I gotta ask, are you wishing and/or praying for retardation?

2. Why the “RPG”? I get that you obviously mean “Remember Peter Gabriel”, which is nice and all, but lets be honest, Genesis was nothing until Phil Collins took the helm. Also, as far as I know, Peter Gabriel is still alive, so why the need to remember him? 

3. Your third line reads as follows… “BRIGHT FUTURE. WILD AND STUPID.” I’m sorry, but you can’t have both. Either cross out the “bright future” bit if you want to be stupid, or cross out the “wild & stupid” bit if you want a bright future. You can’t have it both ways… you just can’t.

4. You wrote “BEACH!” twice, which is fine, but it’s redundant and irritating to the viewer. Next time just one “BEACH!” will do, thank you.

Finally, if Akashi or Melissa ever read this, please know that I am just joking and absolutely adore your ema! I truly hope that you two are relaxing on a beach somewhere jammin’ out to some classic Peter Gabriel. And Akashi, if you ever think about marrying Melissa, I think you should invest in a boom box and go the whole John Cusack In Your Eyes route, she’ll love it, trust me.

Anyway, here’s a few more photos of some of the less interesting ema I saw while in Japan…

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 25 - “LITTLE ROCKS IN LITTLE SKIRTS” I really hope that these cute little rocks are wearing these cute little skirts by choice. If I find out a gang of big bad naked boulders is forcing all the little rocks of Japan to wear skirts… well, let’s just say I’m going to be a VERY sad panda. I can’t believe those big bad naked boulders, what a bunch of hypocrites, they don’t even wear pants! I’m going to write a letter about this to Vicki’s Grandma, as I’m sure she’ll gladly put an end to this reign of naked boulder hypocricy. Anyway, if you are in Japan and start seeing boulders shoved into tight little underpants, please know that Vick’s Grandma was the good samaritan responsible for turning that dream into a reality.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 25 - “LITTLE ROCKS IN LITTLE SKIRTS”

I really hope that these cute little rocks are wearing these cute little skirts by choice. If I find out a gang of big bad naked boulders is forcing all the little rocks of Japan to wear skirts… well, let’s just say I’m going to be a VERY sad panda. I can’t believe those big bad naked boulders, what a bunch of hypocrites, they don’t even wear pants! I’m going to write a letter about this to Vicki’s Grandma, as I’m sure she’ll gladly put an end to this reign of naked boulder hypocricy.

Anyway, if you are in Japan and start seeing boulders shoved into tight little underpants, please know that Vick’s Grandma was the good samaritan responsible for turning that dream into a reality.

SORT OF SCARY STUFF IN JAPAN 01 - “BAD LUCK OMIKUJI” During our one day in Kyoto I became rather infatuated with these tiny pieces of folded up paper tied to strings. The reason for my infatuation was simple: they looked pretty cool, and I’m a sucker for stuff that looks pretty cool (my wife Vicki is a perfect example of this, she is often a devil woman who will stop at nothing to steal my cozy winter cap, but she looks pretty cool, so I married her). Anyway, my infatuation turned into an all out obsession once I learned the story behind these tiny rolled up pieces of paper. Here it is… The various temples and shrines of Japan all sell fortunes, called Omikuji. If you draw a good Omikuji you fold that sucker back up, shove it in your pocket, and take it home and enjoy the hell out of your newfound good luck. But if you draw a bad Omikuji, well, your basically doomed, unless you follow these three simple steps… 1. Don’t freak out, play it cool! Whatever you do, definitely don’t call your mom for help, that’s pathetic. You can beat this thing. 2. Once you have your cool under control, casually begin walking around the shrine until you find a string or branch that has several other bad Omikuji tied to it. 3. Tie your Omikuji to said string or branch and run like hell (unless you have high blood pressure, if that’s the case you should probably just walk fast). If you follow these three simple steps all is good, you have nothing to worry about. Basically what will happen is that the “Divine Spirit” will use it’s special skills to exorcise the bad luck. Think of the Divine Spirit as a big fat sponge that soaks up evil instead of water. Anyway, I thought that was a really cool, albeit mildly terrifying, aspect of Japanese culture. Here’s a few more pictures of some bad luck Omikuji…

SORT OF SCARY STUFF IN JAPAN 01 - “BAD LUCK OMIKUJI”

During our one day in Kyoto I became rather infatuated with these tiny pieces of folded up paper tied to strings. The reason for my infatuation was simple: they looked pretty cool, and I’m a sucker for stuff that looks pretty cool (my wife Vicki is a perfect example of this, she is often a devil woman who will stop at nothing to steal my cozy winter cap, but she looks pretty cool, so I married her).

Anyway, my infatuation turned into an all out obsession once I learned the story behind these tiny rolled up pieces of paper. Here it is…

The various temples and shrines of Japan all sell fortunes, called Omikuji. If you draw a good Omikuji you fold that sucker back up, shove it in your pocket, and take it home and enjoy the hell out of your newfound good luck. But if you draw a bad Omikuji, well, your basically doomed, unless you follow these three simple steps…

1. Don’t freak out, play it cool! Whatever you do, definitely don’t call your mom for help, that’s pathetic. You can beat this thing.

2. Once you have your cool under control, casually begin walking around the shrine until you find a string or branch that has several other bad Omikuji tied to it.

3. Tie your Omikuji to said string or branch and run like hell (unless you have high blood pressure, if that’s the case you should probably just walk fast).

If you follow these three simple steps all is good, you have nothing to worry about. Basically what will happen is that the “Divine Spirit” will use it’s special skills to exorcise the bad luck. Think of the Divine Spirit as a big fat sponge that soaks up evil instead of water.

Anyway, I thought that was a really cool, albeit mildly terrifying, aspect of Japanese culture.

Here’s a few more pictures of some bad luck Omikuji…

CONFUSING STUFF IN JAPAN 01 - “TANNER BATTLES THE VERTICAL SIGN-IN SHEET” So during our one day in Kyoto we spent several hours bouncing around temple to temple. The first temple had this very cool sign-in sheet. Here’s a quick rundown of my train of thought as I stared down at the sheet… 0-7 seconds: Wow, that looks like a shot from a Wes Anderson movie! 8-10 seconds: I’ll sign us in and take a picture! 11-15 seconds: I have no idea how to sign us in. This makes no sense. Do I write up and down? 15-17 seconds: Oh well, I’ll take a picture anyway. It looks cool. 18-25 seconds: Woah! My socks actually match today! Way to be Tanner, way to be!  26-37 seconds: I wonder if that’s a number 2 pencil? Is Japan as obsessed with number 2 pencils as America is? 38-40 seconds: Seriously, what’s the deal with number 2 pencils in America? Would my SAT have self destructed into a ball of flames had I filled in a bubble with a number 3 pencil?  41-51 seconds: Does a number 3 pencil even exist? If so, is anyone ever allowed to use it? It would really suck to be a number 3 pencil and never get used. I hope number 3 pencils don’t exist because if they did I’d feel really bad for them. 52-60 seconds: I wonder if I’m gonna have to take my shoes off in every temple. I hate taking my shoes off. I wish I’d worn flip flops. 61-72 seconds: I’m so sick of Vicki always trying to steal my cozy winter cap. I never ask to borrow her cool gloves that transform into mittens. Why’s she gotta be a devil woman sometimes? 73-81 seconds: If I don’t find some chicken teriyaki today I’m gonna find a number 2 pencil and shove it in my eye just so I can forget about my craving for one second. 82- 86 seconds: I’m not even sure if this is a sign-in sheet. Maybe it’s a sign-out sheet? Good grief, I have no idea what I’m looking at.  87-90 seconds: Why does everyone always hate on The Life Aquatic? I really think it’s Wes Anderson’s best work. 91-100 seconds: I wonder if there’s a line behind me? Should I pretend to write something down?  Anyway, I played it cool and pretended to write something down. Also, I did a bit of research afterwards and the answer is yes, number 3 pencils do exist. I’m not sure what they’re used for, but if I ever have to take another standardized test I’m definitely gonna give a number 3 a shot and see what happens. Don’t worry, I’m not stupid, I’ll be sure to wear a helmet and safety goggles.

CONFUSING STUFF IN JAPAN 01 - “TANNER BATTLES THE VERTICAL SIGN-IN SHEET”

So during our one day in Kyoto we spent several hours bouncing around temple to temple. The first temple had this very cool sign-in sheet. Here’s a quick rundown of my train of thought as I stared down at the sheet…

0-7 seconds: Wow, that looks like a shot from a Wes Anderson movie!

8-10 seconds: I’ll sign us in and take a picture!

11-15 seconds: I have no idea how to sign us in. This makes no sense. Do I write up and down?

15-17 seconds: Oh well, I’ll take a picture anyway. It looks cool.

18-25 seconds: Woah! My socks actually match today! Way to be Tanner, way to be! 

26-37 seconds: I wonder if that’s a number 2 pencil? Is Japan as obsessed with number 2 pencils as America is?

38-40 seconds: Seriously, what’s the deal with number 2 pencils in America? Would my SAT have self destructed into a ball of flames had I filled in a bubble with a number 3 pencil? 

41-51 seconds: Does a number 3 pencil even exist? If so, is anyone ever allowed to use it? It would really suck to be a number 3 pencil and never get used. I hope number 3 pencils don’t exist because if they did I’d feel really bad for them.

52-60 seconds: I wonder if I’m gonna have to take my shoes off in every temple. I hate taking my shoes off. I wish I’d worn flip flops.

61-72 seconds: I’m so sick of Vicki always trying to steal my cozy winter cap. I never ask to borrow her cool gloves that transform into mittens. Why’s she gotta be a devil woman sometimes?

73-81 seconds: If I don’t find some chicken teriyaki today I’m gonna find a number 2 pencil and shove it in my eye just so I can forget about my craving for one second.

82- 86 seconds: I’m not even sure if this is a sign-in sheet. Maybe it’s a sign-out sheet? Good grief, I have no idea what I’m looking at. 

87-90 seconds: Why does everyone always hate on The Life Aquatic? I really think it’s Wes Anderson’s best work.

91-100 seconds: I wonder if there’s a line behind me? Should I pretend to write something down? 

Anyway, I played it cool and pretended to write something down. Also, I did a bit of research afterwards and the answer is yes, number 3 pencils do exist. I’m not sure what they’re used for, but if I ever have to take another standardized test I’m definitely gonna give a number 3 a shot and see what happens. Don’t worry, I’m not stupid, I’ll be sure to wear a helmet and safety goggles.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 24 - “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?” As far as I see it, there are only three viable options… a. Jack b. Folded up papers with fortunes c. Gwyneth Paltrow’s “pretty” head I’m gonna go out on a limb and go with “b”, as you can actually see the folded papers sitting inside the box. If you guessed “a” or “c” you should probably have your eyes checked out by a certified eyeball technician. Also, I apologize if I may have just ruined the ending of Seven for some of you. Finally, here’s a few more pictures of Vicki and her Dad checking out their fortunes… I’m pretty sure Vicki’s fortune read as follows… “Before the day is over you will possess Tanner’s cozy winter cap”.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 24 - “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?”

As far as I see it, there are only three viable options…

a. Jack

b. Folded up papers with fortunes

c. Gwyneth Paltrow’s “pretty” head

I’m gonna go out on a limb and go with “b”, as you can actually see the folded papers sitting inside the box. If you guessed “a” or “c” you should probably have your eyes checked out by a certified eyeball technician. Also, I apologize if I may have just ruined the ending of Seven for some of you.

Finally, here’s a few more pictures of Vicki and her Dad checking out their fortunes…

I’m pretty sure Vicki’s fortune read as follows… “Before the day is over you will possess Tanner’s cozy winter cap”.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 24 - “HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?” I like them, but I’m not sure if I should eat them, as they appear to be quite important. Also, I think they may be made of wood. And just out of curiosity… For any of you who grew up Catholic, does this scene of two screened windows hiding shadowy figures remind you just a bit of confession? I’ll be honest, confession was easily the second most traumatic experience I had as a kid (the first, obviously, was the whole “alleged” Santa thing). What’s funny (or sad) is that I was actually a pretty good kid, so every time confession rolled around my teacher would literally shove me in the booth and I’d proceed to make up a bunch of sins. The irony of this is amazing, most of the lies I told as a kid were during actual confession!!! There was one confession in particular where the priest just kind of sat there after I told him my list of fabricated sins about hitting my sisters, so on the spot I came up with this gem… “ummm… oh yeah, I forgot, I hit my friend Tom with a golf club while we were building a fort in the woods… and it wasn’t an accident, oh no, I did it on purpose” What’s funny is that this was the most “honest” sin I had ever told in confession, so long as you flip the story around because in reality I had actually been the victim of Tom’s golf club rampage. Good grief, I hope they serve pizza in hell, cause that’s probably where I’m gonna wind up.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 24 - “HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?”

I like them, but I’m not sure if I should eat them, as they appear to be quite important. Also, I think they may be made of wood.

And just out of curiosity…

For any of you who grew up Catholic, does this scene of two screened windows hiding shadowy figures remind you just a bit of confession? I’ll be honest, confession was easily the second most traumatic experience I had as a kid (the first, obviously, was the whole “alleged” Santa thing).

What’s funny (or sad) is that I was actually a pretty good kid, so every time confession rolled around my teacher would literally shove me in the booth and I’d proceed to make up a bunch of sins. The irony of this is amazing, most of the lies I told as a kid were during actual confession!!! There was one confession in particular where the priest just kind of sat there after I told him my list of fabricated sins about hitting my sisters, so on the spot I came up with this gem…

“ummm… oh yeah, I forgot, I hit my friend Tom with a golf club while we were building a fort in the woods… and it wasn’t an accident, oh no, I did it on purpose”

What’s funny is that this was the most “honest” sin I had ever told in confession, so long as you flip the story around because in reality I had actually been the victim of Tom’s golf club rampage.

Good grief, I hope they serve pizza in hell, cause that’s probably where I’m gonna wind up.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 23 - “BRIDGE TO TERIYAKIBITHIA” At one point during our Japan adventure we took a five hour train ride from Kochi to Kyoto. As the train chugged along we passed through several breathtaking wintery landscapes, yet I only took two pictures due to the wretched motion sickness that has cursed me since birth (thanks mom). Anyway, as soon as I took this picture I felt like I was for sure going to vomit, so I dropped my head down between my knees and prayed for mercy. At some point I passed out and had the following dream nightmare… We were driving past this bridge in slow motion and I asked Vicki’s dad to translate the sign. He told me that it read “Chicken Teriyaki is on the other side of this bridge”. I screamed for the train to stop but it just kept chugging along as I watched my one chance at Chicken Teriyaki slowly fade away. Once I could no longer see the bridge I looked down and goldfish started floating out of my backpack and I wondered how they were breathing. I then realized that the train was full of water and thus wondered how I was breathing. I suddenly began gasping for air and woke up. Anyway, that dream bothered me the rest of my trip. While the drowning aspect was indeed terrifying, it was missing out on the Chicken Teriyaki that truly haunted the depths of my soul. If you’d like to read more about my terrible Chicken Teriyaki adventures while in Japan please CLICK HERE.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 23 - “BRIDGE TO TERIYAKIBITHIA”

At one point during our Japan adventure we took a five hour train ride from Kochi to Kyoto. As the train chugged along we passed through several breathtaking wintery landscapes, yet I only took two pictures due to the wretched motion sickness that has cursed me since birth (thanks mom). Anyway, as soon as I took this picture I felt like I was for sure going to vomit, so I dropped my head down between my knees and prayed for mercy.

At some point I passed out and had the following dream nightmare…

We were driving past this bridge in slow motion and I asked Vicki’s dad to translate the sign. He told me that it read “Chicken Teriyaki is on the other side of this bridge”. I screamed for the train to stop but it just kept chugging along as I watched my one chance at Chicken Teriyaki slowly fade away. Once I could no longer see the bridge I looked down and goldfish started floating out of my backpack and I wondered how they were breathing. I then realized that the train was full of water and thus wondered how I was breathing. I suddenly began gasping for air and woke up.

Anyway, that dream bothered me the rest of my trip. While the drowning aspect was indeed terrifying, it was missing out on the Chicken Teriyaki that truly haunted the depths of my soul.

If you’d like to read more about my terrible Chicken Teriyaki adventures while in Japan please CLICK HERE.

PEOPLE OF JAPAN 34 - “THE GEOGRAPHER” Okay, so he may not have been a geographer, but I sure hope he was. Either way, he definitely spent our entire five hour train ride from Kochi to Kyoto drawing spirals in his notebook. I’m not even sure if geographers draw spirals, but I sure hope they do. I’m pretty sure if I was a geographer I’d be drawing some spirals of geological formations. I’d probably sell em on Etsy. I wonder if he sells his spirals on Etsy? Note to self: Look up spirals on Etsy. If nothing shows up, tap into that market and get rich quick.

PEOPLE OF JAPAN 34 - “THE GEOGRAPHER”

Okay, so he may not have been a geographer, but I sure hope he was. Either way, he definitely spent our entire five hour train ride from Kochi to Kyoto drawing spirals in his notebook.

I’m not even sure if geographers draw spirals, but I sure hope they do. I’m pretty sure if I was a geographer I’d be drawing some spirals of geological formations. I’d probably sell em on Etsy. I wonder if he sells his spirals on Etsy?

Note to self: Look up spirals on Etsy. If nothing shows up, tap into that market and get rich quick.