TWO YEARS AGO TODAY WE UP AND GOT MARRIED…

…and this was our “Save The Date” card.

Question: What were your vows?

Answer: My vows were as follows…

Hey Vicki,
My suit is probably very itchy and my collar’s probably way too tight,
but right now I don’t notice because you are so beautiful in your dress that is white.

Hey Vicki,
I promise to start taking you on dates to places besides movies and food courts,
and as a bonus I’ll wear shirts with collars and actual pants, not soccer shorts.

Hey Vicki,
If you ever get sick and can’t get out of bed to make us lunch,
don’t worry, I’ll make you soup with advil and hug you a whole bunch.

Hey Vicki,
Remember that bottle rocket mishap where I ran away because I was so scared…
that was a terrible thing to do, I’m so sorry.

Hey Vicki,
Starting today I promise to protect you from bottle rockets gone awry,
And all other scary things like bad dreams, sharks, and pink eye.

Hey Vicki,
When you turn 80 and look in the mirror and get sad because you have some wrinkles,
don’t worry, bald overweight Tanner will cheer you up with a cupcake full of sprinkles.

Hey Vicki,
I promise to be loyal to you like Patches was to Pam,
If you are the green eggs please consider me your ham.

Question: Did you keep your vows?

Answer: Not so much. I mean, Vicki hasn’t really been attacked by any sharks, so I’ve got that going for me, but other than that… ummmm. I mean, I really wanted my vows to rhyme, so I think that kind of forced me to make some stuff up, just to, you know, get the words to rhyme. Also, I do plan on giving Vicki a cupcake when she turns 80.

CONFUSING STUFF IN JAPAN 02 - “AKASHI AND MELISSA LOVE PETER GABRIEL”

Pictured above is a close-up of a Japanese ema. What’s an ema you ask? Well, according to the internet an ema is a “small wooden plaque found in Japanese shrines onto which patrons write down prayers or wishes”.

I saw quite a few emas during my day spent in Kyoto, but only one was worthy of the What Up With That Ema? award. So, without further ado, I present the first ever What Up With That Ema? award to…

AKASHI AND MELISSA!!!

Congratulations you two, the ema you created together on November 7th, 2010 made very little sense to me!!! Here is what I found to be most confusing about your ema…

1. I see that “retardation” is first on your list, followed by a smiley face. So I gotta ask, are you wishing and/or praying for retardation?

2. Why the “RPG”? I get that you obviously mean “Remember Peter Gabriel”, which is nice and all, but lets be honest, Genesis was nothing until Phil Collins took the helm. Also, as far as I know, Peter Gabriel is still alive, so why the need to remember him? 

3. Your third line reads as follows… “BRIGHT FUTURE. WILD AND STUPID.” I’m sorry, but you can’t have both. Either cross out the “bright future” bit if you want to be stupid, or cross out the “wild & stupid” bit if you want a bright future. You can’t have it both ways… you just can’t.

4. You wrote “BEACH!” twice, which is fine, but it’s redundant and irritating to the viewer. Next time just one “BEACH!” will do, thank you.

Finally, if Akashi or Melissa ever read this, please know that I am just joking and absolutely adore your ema! I truly hope that you two are relaxing on a beach somewhere jammin’ out to some classic Peter Gabriel. And Akashi, if you ever think about marrying Melissa, I think you should invest in a boom box and go the whole John Cusack In Your Eyes route, she’ll love it, trust me.

Anyway, here’s a few more photos of some of the less interesting ema I saw while in Japan…

One is white,

the other blue,

but it’s alright,

their love is true.

……………………….

Read 61 more “poems about my pictures” here.

Also…

The “White One” in this photo is my friend Brion. He has cool hair and a website. Check it out.

The “Blue One” in this photo is my friend Walter. He also has cool hair and is an alcoholic pill popper.

TUMBLR EXCLUSIVE: “VICKI & HER GRANDMA”

Fact: Vicki’s Grandma was the sweetest woman I’ve ever met.

Although our language barrier prevented us from discussing important issues such as Miley Cyrus and Japan’s apparent lack of chicken teriyaki, we were nonetheless able communicate surprisingly well through smiles and laughter alone. Granted, I was laughing “with” her, whereas she very well may have been laughing “at” me. Either way, awesome times were had by all.

The highlight of my time with Vicki’s Grandma was probably watching a Japanese TV show that involved a group of kids running room to room in a house and opening various containers (baskets, backpacks, coffee cans, etc.). What was in the containers you say? The answer, my friend, is baby animals!!! No joke, simply baby animals that just kept getting cuter and cuter and cuter!!! And that was it, nothing more, nothing less, just groups of baby animals popping out of various containers and running around on carpet. I miss Japan.