TWO YEARS AGO TODAY WE UP AND GOT MARRIED
This was our “Save The Date” card.
At our actual wedding, these were my vows:
My suit is probably very itchy and my collar’s probably way too tight,
but right now I don’t notice because you are so beautiful in your dress that is white.
I promise to start taking you on dates to places besides movies and food courts,
and as a bonus I’ll wear shirts with collars and actual pants, not soccer shorts.
If you ever get sick and can’t get out of bed to make us lunch,
don’t worry, I’ll make you soup with advil and hug you a whole bunch.
Remember that bottle rocket mishap where I ran away because I was so scared…
that was a terrible thing to do, I’m so sorry.
Starting today I promise to protect you from bottle rockets gone awry,
And all other scary things like bad dreams, sharks, and pink eye.
When you turn 80 and look in the mirror and get sad because you have some wrinkles,
don’t worry, bald overweight Tanner will cheer you up with a cupcake full of sprinkles.
I promise to be loyal to you like Patches was to Pam,
If you are the green eggs please consider me your ham.
Question: Did you keep your vows?
Answer: Not so much. I mean, Vicki hasn’t really been attacked by any sharks, so I’ve got that going for me, but other than that… ummmm. I mean, I really wanted my vows to rhyme, so I think that kind of forced me to make some stuff up, just to, you know, get the words to rhyme. Also, I do plan on giving Vicki a cupcake when she turns 80.