TANNER BLOG
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Hi, I'm Tanner. I like cloudy days and fish tanks. I have a wife and a kid. I like them as well.
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BABY CANNONBALL

This is Baby Cannonball. Baby Cannonball drinks coffee.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Howdy party people! How the hell are ya? 

Sorry for not posting in forever, it’s just that last year I had a kid, moved to Maryland, started a new job, broke my favorite bowl, blah blah blah. Long story short, as rad a Tumblr is, I just didn’t have enough time to tumble as I spent most of 2012 dragging Baby Cannonball (my daughter) to various Bed Bath and Beyonds looking for a decent bowl to represent my Monday Morning Apple Jacks.

Anyway, the photo above is a polaroid of me holding a polaroid taken in, I want to say, Nashville, in 2003, maybe. I don’t know, it could also be St. Louis in 2002, or Cincinnati in 2004. Either way, a big goal for me in 2013 is to once again be able to fit into that sweet Wyoming T Shirt (which probably means no more damn Apple Jacks).

I guess that’s about it. Hopefully I’ll post here again before 2014. 

APOCALYPTIC BUNKO

In August of 1992 Bunko the Brave travelled to the Salton Sea to destroy the man who had stolen not only her Fruit Roll-Up, but also her heart (not to mention her left eye). His name was Ramos, and in middle school he was the lead singer in a glam rock band called “The Glitter Pancake Rebellion”. At the sixth grade talent show he unveiled Clean Sheets are the Best, an epic power ballad about the awesome power of clean sheets. Bunko loved nothing more than sleeping on clean cozy sheets, and as such, her heart swooned for the young Ramos.

The next day at recess Bunko demanded that Ramos be her boyfriend. Ramos told Bunko that he was pretty sure that he was gay, but Bunko wasn’t having it. She immediately declared that they were going steady and that she was ready to have a bunch of babies.

Anyway, after a week of being bossed around by young Bunko, Ramos decided that enough was enough. When Bunko was once again sent to the Principal’s Office for giving Gus, the class Gerbil, a mohawk, Ramos made his move. He broke into Bunko’s “Knight Rider” lunch box and stole her grape Fruit Roll-Up and gave it to Kenny (Bunko’s nemesis and his secret crush). 

Long story short, lunch rolled around and Bunko went ballistic when she found out that her one true love had stolen her grape Fruit Roll-Up. She threw her thermos at Kenny’s head and attempted to give Ramos an Indian Rug Burn. Unfortunately she did not take into account the the glue stick in Ramos’ left hand, which he reluctantly shoved deep into her left eye socket.

She was sent to detention for the next fifteen years and upon release she set out to the Salton Sea to destroy Ramos (apparently that’s where he lived). Unfortunately Ramos, as well as most of the town, was long gone. All she found was an empty bottle of beer, an umbrella, and some dead fish.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

I think this picture of my mom and Toby, her dog/cat hybrid, probably explains a lot about why I am the way I am.

Keep on being awesome Pammy!

BUNKO WANTS HER PANCAKES

But she can’t have them because of this impenetrable barrier full of rust and the deadly bacterium, Clostridium Tetani. So once again, Carl, the zombie swim team coach, has gotten away with all of Bunko’s pancakes. Poor Bunko, she was really craving those pancakes.

Fun Fact: Clostridium Tetani is the bacterium responsible for Tetanus, an infection of the nervous system that causes violent muscle spasms and excessive drooling in humans. Unfortunately for Bunko, zombie swim team coaches actually enjoy tetanus.

Note: If you look closely at this fence you’ll see that at one point it had split apart and some awesome person had patched it back together. I wish I was they type of guy who saw broken fences and fixed them, but instead I just take pictures of them and keep on walkin’. I salute you, mystery fence repairman! The world needs more “can-do” folks like you!

OH BUNKO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Seriously, this place does NOT look safe. You already lost one eye in that encounter with the Abominable Snowman’s wife, why risk loosing another? I’m serious, with no eyes you’ll never be able to watch Cucpcake Wars on The Food Network.

MY INTERVIEW ON PELIME

A really cool website called PELIME (People Like Me) recently interviewed me for an article on their tumblr blog! Hopefully I didn’t come off as a pretentious ego maniac with warped delusions of monumental grandeur… but I probably did. 

Anyway, Pelime is a really cool online platform for creative folks, and apparently, me. Check it out and if you dig it let me know and I’ll shoot you an invite.

pelime:

   

www.pelime.com/tanneralmon
www.tanneralmon.com

Tanner Almon is a Baltimore born photographer who attributes much of his creative success to his parents encouragement. Having graduated film school at The University of Maryland at Baltimore County, where he had made several “rather imaginative, albeit confusing” student films, and finding it hard to organize film shoots with little money and/or equipment, he began to tell some of his stories through photography - a much more “budget friendly” medium.

Most of these photographic tales, usually shot on 35mm slide film, involve Tanner and his lovely wife, Vicki, driving out to abandoned places and taking pictures of themselves dressed up as whimsical characters caught up rather peculiar situations. Tanner views these rather quirky narratives as a way to always ensure that his imagination remains “close at hand”, his ultimate goal being to figure out a way to make a living traveling around forgotten America taking photographs with Vicki.

   

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VICKI KILLS RABID SPARROW

This one time a rabid sparrow crashed through my window so I got down on the floor and called Vicki and told her to buy a crossbow on her way home from yoga class.

Twenty minutes later Vicki waked in and shot an arrow right through that sparrow.

DON’T “F” WITH GEOFF

This one time my friend Geoff was about to bite into his Auntie Anne’s soft pretzel when some surfer dude in flip flops appeared out of nowhere and stole it! As is often the case in such situations, Geoff calmly removed his shirt, jumped onto his moped, chased down the surfer dude, and ripped off his leg!!!

The moral of this story…

DON’T F WITH GEOFF!!!

Disclaimer: The phrase “Don’t F With Geoff” is copyrighted to Nick Prevas and Geofferson Thomas. If you would like to use it as your company slogan and/or swim team name, I believe that they are currently charging a flat fee of around three hundred dollars for unlimited usage throughout the universe*.

*Universe does not include Nebraska, Jupiter, or the Atlantic Ocean.

TANNER TANNER

This one time I got a perm and I thought it was awesome so I went on the internet and hired a professional photographer to take some glamourous headshots of me so that I could send them to Hollywood and get a job as an actor on the TV show Full House. I was thinking that I could play Danny Tanner’s long lost illegitimate son, Tanner Tanner. 

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