TANNER BLOG
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Hi, I'm Tanner. I like cloudy days and fish tanks. I have a wife and a kid. I like them as well.
Posts tagged portrait
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Six hours ‘til midnight…

How many items on my daily to-do-list will I complete???

Will I find my socks? Will I find my watch? Will I invest in some pens that don’t smear? Will I spend some quality alone time with my fish? Will I spend some quality alone time with jealous Rigby? And most importantly, is it still possible to have bagels for breakfast???

Tune in HERE later tonight to find out!

TOM ALMON - THE RELUCTANT HERO

Hey Dad, thanks so much for reluctantly portraying the mighty Papa Nemo in one of my student films many years ago. Although you were blessed with the coveted lead role of a community hero with the incredible ability to jump off high dives and catch beach balls while in mid-air, I realize that you were still nonetheless…

a. extremely pissed off the entire time,

b. more embarrassed than you’d ever been in your entire life,

and

c. quickly realizing that your son was “no Spielberg, that’s for sure”.

Yet for some reason you stuck with it and saw the whole damn thing through till the bitter end, and that’s saying a lot considering we had to shoot your dramatic death scene in front of the entire UMBC women’s swim team. Hell, I even I almost jumped ship that day, and all I had to do was hold a camera.

So yeah, if dads are measured by their ability to put up with their kid’s stupid art projects than you’ve gotta be the best dad in America. Thanks man.

SPACE FURBALLS MAKES ME SAD

Because I’ll be staring at them all damn weekend as I try to manipulate their space-age furball bodies in Adobe After Effects. But before I can even get started on that inevitable motion graphics disaster, I’m first gonna have to cut these furballs out from their backgrounds in Photoshop, which unfortunately will be quite a bit harder than originally anticipated.

Way to shoot grey fuzzy hats in front of big grey wall Tanner! Of all the colors in the world so shoot a grey fuzzy hat in front of, you picked the absolute worst one for what you are trying to do! Congratulations, here’s a free iPhone so you can call your mom and tell her just how much of a disappointment you really are!!!

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Finally, in case you are curious as to what the graffiti behind me says, here ya go…

"MY FREEZER IS MY HUSBAND AND MY HUSBAND IS MY FREEZER"

Apparently a woman near where I live married a freezer. She’s gonna have way more fun this weekend with her freezer husband than I’m gonna have with After Effects, that’s for sure.

ADORABLY GRUMPY FURBALL

Not even a cute shirt with some bunnies in love could cheer up this sad furball. 

Why is she sad you ask?

Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but rumor has it that she worked a really long day and when she came home her worthless husband, instead of kissing her hello, demanded that she put on a furball hat so that he could take some pictures before the sun went down. Apparently he wants to use pictures of furballs in his next After Effects video. The real tragedy of this situation is that his next After Effects video is probably going to suck worse than his first one, which, well… sucked. Again, you didn’t hear this from me.

My mom on a moped, circa 2002.

Can your mom tame a moped? I doubt it. It’s all good though, she still knew how to make a baby, which I’d imagine is way harder than learning how to ride a moped.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the ladies who make babies!

VICKI’S BIRTHDAY BASH - SPECIAL KARAOKE EDITION!!!

Last week Vicki and I headed back to the MD to celebrate Vicki’s 30th birthday with an elite team of awesome super friends. For the first time ever we did Karaoke the right way… in a private room with crazy wigs and lots of sour patch kids! It was awesome. For anyone looking to belt out some Sweet Caroline in private I’d highly recommend FM Karaoke in good ol’ Rockville, Maryland. The staff was incredible and made sure to keep us as hydrated/inebriated as possible!

Anyway, here’s a few pictures from our crazy sour patch kids fueled night…

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Geofferson Thomas (in furball hat) takes three non-colored girls for a Walk on the Wild Side. Although they are not colored, the girls are nonetheless good sports and sing along anyway.

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Two guns for hire Dancing in the Dark.

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Geofferson Thomas admires the strangely erotic Korean Karoke Video as Nick and Jill take us “to the river” with the Talking Heads.

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Dueling Springsteens on their “last chance power drive”.

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Buena Vista Geoff Club (probably singing some obscure British song or something).

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Let’s Dance Japanese style with Ziggy PreDust.

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Vicki looking a bit annoyed during Maggie May. Apparently I got a bit too excited when I sang “I wish I’d never seen your face”. 

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Jill and her hypnotic eyes doing their best Thriller Zombie.

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Geofferson Thomas ISThriller Zombie.

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Vicki and Tina ironically singing Blondie while wearing blue and purple wigs.

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Luigi gettin’ low during Born to Run. Vicki was not too pleased with Luigi’s decision to wear his Nike Warmup Pants to her birthday party.

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Somewhere, Out There, Beneath the Pale Moon Light zombie Geofferson Thomas is eating the brain of Ziggy PreDust.

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I Wanna Dance With Somebody so long as he’s not wearing his Nike warmup pants to my freaking birthday party!

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Even though he wore Nike warmup pants to my birthday party I’ll still pretend to love him for this photo. Once we get home, however, his cozy winter cap will burn in hell.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICKI PART 2 - NAKED AND HAPPY 

My biggest regret in life, aside from majoring in film, is that I never knew Vicki during the days where she liked to run around the house naked and happy. She still runs around the house naked, but the happiness… 

I just don’t see it.

PEOPLE OF JAPAN 34 - “THE GEOGRAPHER”

Okay, so he may not have been a geographer, but I sure hope he was. Either way, he definitely spent our entire five hour train ride from Kochi to Kyoto drawing spirals in his notebook.

I’m not even sure if geographers draw spirals, but I sure hope they do. I’m pretty sure if I was a geographer I’d be drawing some spirals of geological formations. I’d probably sell em on Etsy. I wonder if he sells his spirals on Etsy?

Note to self: Look up spirals on Etsy. If nothing shows up, tap into that market and get rich quick.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 20 - “MY FAVORITE THING IN THIS PHOTO IS NOT THE RABBIT”

Because while the rabbit is indeed awesome, it is nowhere near as awesome as my cozy winter cap. Its coziness knows no bounds!!!

Sometimes I feel bad because my cozy winter cap has never gotten to experience what it’s like to wear a cozy winter cap. One day before I die I hope to get a cozy winter cap for my cozy winter cap so that it can finally feel it’s own magical coziness.

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