TANNER BLOG

Posts tagged prose
MAGICAL MOSSBALLS A few months back I purchased these mossballs from the back of some hippie’s van in Williamsburg. Ever since then amazing things have been happening to me. Here’s the top nine… 1. My breakfast cereal, whether it be Apple Jacks or Kix, never gets soggy. 2. No one has touched my ear inappropriately on the subway. 3. All of my socks seem to be accounted for. Finally. 4. I stopped having dreams about Vicki dressed as Wolverine devouring all my Sunday morning pancakes. 5. Vicki finally admitted that “The Zissou” might be a good name for our pending baby. 6. Vicki got a “body pillow” which means I inherited one of her regular pillows! 7. My mom finally invited me to one of her Super Mario Dance Parties where everyone swings their arms from side to side. 8. No one has yet to invent a cozy winter cap that converts into a coffee mug in case of emergency, which means I still have a chance to blow the minds of millions. 9. Vicki can’t seem to stop touching my ear inappropriately. Ohhh yeah! 
Zoom
Info
MAGICAL MOSSBALLS A few months back I purchased these mossballs from the back of some hippie’s van in Williamsburg. Ever since then amazing things have been happening to me. Here’s the top nine… 1. My breakfast cereal, whether it be Apple Jacks or Kix, never gets soggy. 2. No one has touched my ear inappropriately on the subway. 3. All of my socks seem to be accounted for. Finally. 4. I stopped having dreams about Vicki dressed as Wolverine devouring all my Sunday morning pancakes. 5. Vicki finally admitted that “The Zissou” might be a good name for our pending baby. 6. Vicki got a “body pillow” which means I inherited one of her regular pillows! 7. My mom finally invited me to one of her Super Mario Dance Parties where everyone swings their arms from side to side. 8. No one has yet to invent a cozy winter cap that converts into a coffee mug in case of emergency, which means I still have a chance to blow the minds of millions. 9. Vicki can’t seem to stop touching my ear inappropriately. Ohhh yeah! 
Zoom
Info

MAGICAL MOSSBALLS

A few months back I purchased these mossballs from the back of some hippie’s van in Williamsburg. Ever since then amazing things have been happening to me. Here’s the top nine…

1. My breakfast cereal, whether it be Apple Jacks or Kix, never gets soggy.

2. No one has touched my ear inappropriately on the subway.

3. All of my socks seem to be accounted for. Finally.

4. I stopped having dreams about Vicki dressed as Wolverine devouring all my Sunday morning pancakes.

5. Vicki finally admitted that “The Zissou” might be a good name for our pending baby.

6. Vicki got a “body pillow” which means I inherited one of her regular pillows!

7. My mom finally invited me to one of her Super Mario Dance Parties where everyone swings their arms from side to side.

8. No one has yet to invent a cozy winter cap that converts into a coffee mug in case of emergency, which means I still have a chance to blow the minds of millions.

9. Vicki can’t seem to stop touching my ear inappropriately. Ohhh yeah! 

BEARD PATROL MINUS ONE REUNION TOUR Once upon a time I was in a toy instrument band known as “Beard Patrol”. Along with Nick “Money Train” Prevas and Geoff “Thunder Thumbs” Thomas, we took Baltimore by storm one night in Geoff’s basement. Our first two hits were “Cowboy Shirt” and “My Mom’s Ex Boyfriends”. “My Mom’s Ex-Boy Friends” was literally about my mom’s ex-boyfriends, with a heavy emphasis on Pam Boyfriend number three, the legendary Perry Bowser (I kid you not, that was his real name). Perry Bowser wrote a particularly randy message to my mom in her high school year book involving ice cubes and a shower cap. Anyway, after the unparalleled success of “My Mom’s Ex-Boyfriends” we obviously had to have a gigantic falling out over a midnight Pancake Breakfast at Denny’s. Beard Patrol was no more. “Money Train” went on to invent a cozy winter cap that served as a coffee mug in case of emergency, “Thunder Thumbs” parlayed his moniker into a lucrative gig as a thumb model for J.C. Penny’s (which ended tragically when he scalded both of his thumbs in an attempt to use “Money Trains” emergency coffee mug), and I started a tumblr and got Vicki pregnant. Anyway, a few weeks ago “Money Train” and I had a Beard Patrol mini-reunion tour in my mom’s hallway. “Thunder Thumbs” boycotted the event and gave it two thumbs down on his very unpopular Wordpress blog. And finally, in case you were wondering, my nickname was Tanner “Butter Beard” Almon.

BEARD PATROL MINUS ONE REUNION TOUR

Once upon a time I was in a toy instrument band known as “Beard Patrol”. Along with Nick “Money Train” Prevas and Geoff “Thunder Thumbs” Thomas, we took Baltimore by storm one night in Geoff’s basement. Our first two hits were “Cowboy Shirt” and “My Mom’s Ex Boyfriends”.

“My Mom’s Ex-Boy Friends” was literally about my mom’s ex-boyfriends, with a heavy emphasis on Pam Boyfriend number three, the legendary Perry Bowser (I kid you not, that was his real name). Perry Bowser wrote a particularly randy message to my mom in her high school year book involving ice cubes and a shower cap.

Anyway, after the unparalleled success of “My Mom’s Ex-Boyfriends” we obviously had to have a gigantic falling out over a midnight Pancake Breakfast at Denny’s. Beard Patrol was no more.

“Money Train” went on to invent a cozy winter cap that served as a coffee mug in case of emergency, “Thunder Thumbs” parlayed his moniker into a lucrative gig as a thumb model for J.C. Penny’s (which ended tragically when he scalded both of his thumbs in an attempt to use “Money Trains” emergency coffee mug), and I started a tumblr and got Vicki pregnant.

Anyway, a few weeks ago “Money Train” and I had a Beard Patrol mini-reunion tour in my mom’s hallway. “Thunder Thumbs” boycotted the event and gave it two thumbs down on his very unpopular Wordpress blog.

And finally, in case you were wondering, my nickname was Tanner “Butter Beard” Almon.

DON’T “F” WITH GEOFF This one time my friend Geoff was about to bite into his Auntie Anne’s soft pretzel when some surfer dude in flip flops appeared out of nowhere and stole it! As is often the case in such situations, Geoff calmly removed his shirt, jumped onto his moped, chased down the surfer dude, and ripped off his leg!!! The moral of this story… DON’T F WITH GEOFF!!! Disclaimer: The phrase “Don’t F With Geoff” is copyrighted to Nick Prevas and Geofferson Thomas. If you would like to use it as your company slogan and/or swim team name, I believe that they are currently charging a flat fee of around three hundred dollars for unlimited usage throughout the universe*. *Universe does not include Nebraska, Jupiter, or the Atlantic Ocean.

DON’T “F” WITH GEOFF

This one time my friend Geoff was about to bite into his Auntie Anne’s soft pretzel when some surfer dude in flip flops appeared out of nowhere and stole it! As is often the case in such situations, Geoff calmly removed his shirt, jumped onto his moped, chased down the surfer dude, and ripped off his leg!!!

The moral of this story…

DON’T F WITH GEOFF!!!

Disclaimer: The phrase “Don’t F With Geoff” is copyrighted to Nick Prevas and Geofferson Thomas. If you would like to use it as your company slogan and/or swim team name, I believe that they are currently charging a flat fee of around three hundred dollars for unlimited usage throughout the universe*.

*Universe does not include Nebraska, Jupiter, or the Atlantic Ocean.

VICKI DOESN’T SHARE THEM APPLES This one time Vicki and I were at a carnival and I spent my last twenty bucks attempting to win her a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee (I did not succeed). As we were leaving the carnival she got herself a delectable candy apple. I asked her if I could have a bite. She said “You can have a bite when I have a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee”.  The next day I went out and got myself a squirt gun and a wooden bird feeder. I spent the next 364 days shooting that squirt gun through the little hole of the bird feeder. We went back to the carnival and I easily won the stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee. I handed it to Vicki and asked for a bite of her candy apple. She replied “I don’t wan’t a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee, I want a stuffed baby bumble bee dressed like porcupine. No bite for you!!!” Anyway, the most amazing part of this whole story is that she was still chewing on that same damn candy apple nearly a year later.

VICKI DOESN’T SHARE THEM APPLES

This one time Vicki and I were at a carnival and I spent my last twenty bucks attempting to win her a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee (I did not succeed). As we were leaving the carnival she got herself a delectable candy apple. I asked her if I could have a bite. She said “You can have a bite when I have a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee”. 

The next day I went out and got myself a squirt gun and a wooden bird feeder. I spent the next 364 days shooting that squirt gun through the little hole of the bird feeder. We went back to the carnival and I easily won the stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee. I handed it to Vicki and asked for a bite of her candy apple. She replied “I don’t wan’t a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee, I want a stuffed baby bumble bee dressed like porcupine. No bite for you!!!”

Anyway, the most amazing part of this whole story is that she was still chewing on that same damn candy apple nearly a year later.

THE TIME VICKI ALMOST ATE RIGBY This one time Vicki and I got lost in a snow storm while walking Rigby. After about ten minutes Vicki’s tummy began to rumble and she suggested that we eat Rigby. Rigby quickly yelled “Damn woman! It’s only been ten minutes! At least eat some snow before you eat YOUR F-ING PUPPY!!!”. An awkward silence soon ensued where they both glared at me for support. Eventually I reluctantly mumbled “he’s kind of gotta point”. I’ve been sleeping on the couch ever since.

THE TIME VICKI ALMOST ATE RIGBY

This one time Vicki and I got lost in a snow storm while walking Rigby. After about ten minutes Vicki’s tummy began to rumble and she suggested that we eat Rigby. Rigby quickly yelled “Damn woman! It’s only been ten minutes! At least eat some snow before you eat YOUR F-ING PUPPY!!!”. An awkward silence soon ensued where they both glared at me for support. Eventually I reluctantly mumbled “he’s kind of gotta point”.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch ever since.

MY IPHONE SHOT OF THE WEEK - “WAY TO BE A ONE-UPPER, WINDSHIELD” Several months ago the broken bottle of Heineken (seen above) appointed himself the self-proclaimed “King of the Broken Stuff” between Dobbin and Banker streets. However, a few days ago this a-hole windshield decided to park himself right next to the “King”. The following conversation ensued… Heineken: “Dude! Seriously? WTF!!!” Windshield: “Huh?” Heineken: “I’m the King of the Broken Stuff round these parts! Way to be a one-upper a-hole!!!” Windshield: “How are we talking? We’re inanimate objects.” Heineken: “Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you… Captain Buzzkill!!! If you have a nice moment that you’d like to see destroyed just call Captain Buzzkill!!! Only Captain Buzzkill has the power to suck the life out of all the nice moments in your life!!!” Windshield: “So this is how it’s gonna be?” Heineken: “Put some pants on pervert.” ……………………………………………………….. If you’d like to see more of my daily iPhone photos click here. Most of em are pretty boring but whatever, it’s cool.

MY IPHONE SHOT OF THE WEEK - “WAY TO BE A ONE-UPPER, WINDSHIELD”

Several months ago the broken bottle of Heineken (seen above) appointed himself the self-proclaimed “King of the Broken Stuff” between Dobbin and Banker streets. However, a few days ago this a-hole windshield decided to park himself right next to the “King”. The following conversation ensued…

Heineken: “Dude! Seriously? WTF!!!”

Windshield: “Huh?”

Heineken: “I’m the King of the Broken Stuff round these parts! Way to be a one-upper a-hole!!!”

Windshield: “How are we talking? We’re inanimate objects.”

Heineken: “Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you… Captain Buzzkill!!! If you have a nice moment that you’d like to see destroyed just call Captain Buzzkill!!! Only Captain Buzzkill has the power to suck the life out of all the nice moments in your life!!!”

Windshield: “So this is how it’s gonna be?”

Heineken: “Put some pants on pervert.”

………………………………………………………..

If you’d like to see more of my daily iPhone photos click here. Most of em are pretty boring but whatever, it’s cool.

MY IPHONE SHOT OF THE WEEK - “BLOODY BED BUG INFESTED TELEVISION SET ON BLUE CONCRETE” In an effort to keep this blog a bit more active I’ve decided to start reblogging one of my iPhone pictures every week. I think every Sunday or Monday I’ll pick my favorite shot from the previous seven days and give you folks the exclusive scoop into the totally true story behind the picture. Let’s get started… So Vicki and I were limping to the store to get band aids for our bloody feet when we stumbled upon this vintage television set on Dobbin Street in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. I immediately picked it up to carry home when Vicki (a.k.a. Bunko the Buzzkill) reminded me that anything found on the street in Brooklyn definitely probably has Bed Bugs. So I spent the next ten minutes, bleeding mind you, weighing the pros and cons of Bed Bugs versus the Awesome Television Set and wondering what Vicki meant when she said “definitely probably”. Ultimately those Bed Bug Bastards won and I’m still bitter about it. If you’re curious as to why our feet were bleeding, here’s the deal… We were playing a fun little game Vicki made up called Die Hard. The rules are simple… we put on wife beaters and run around our apartment on broken glass yelling “Yippie Kay Yay Mother F-er!!!”. The first person to quit looses. Aside from the broken glass part it’s a pretty cool game.

MY IPHONE SHOT OF THE WEEK - “BLOODY BED BUG INFESTED TELEVISION SET ON BLUE CONCRETE”

In an effort to keep this blog a bit more active I’ve decided to start reblogging one of my iPhone pictures every week. I think every Sunday or Monday I’ll pick my favorite shot from the previous seven days and give you folks the exclusive scoop into the totally true story behind the picture. Let’s get started…

So Vicki and I were limping to the store to get band aids for our bloody feet when we stumbled upon this vintage television set on Dobbin Street in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. I immediately picked it up to carry home when Vicki (a.k.a. Bunko the Buzzkill) reminded me that anything found on the street in Brooklyn definitely probably has Bed Bugs. So I spent the next ten minutes, bleeding mind you, weighing the pros and cons of Bed Bugs versus the Awesome Television Set and wondering what Vicki meant when she said “definitely probably”. Ultimately those Bed Bug Bastards won and I’m still bitter about it.

If you’re curious as to why our feet were bleeding, here’s the deal…

We were playing a fun little game Vicki made up called Die Hard. The rules are simple… we put on wife beaters and run around our apartment on broken glass yelling “Yippie Kay Yay Mother F-er!!!”. The first person to quit looses. Aside from the broken glass part it’s a pretty cool game.

(Source: iphoneosaurusrex)

FLASHBACK FRIDAY 14 - “GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR SKELEBOT ATTACK!!!” So a few years back Vicki and I jumped into our space suits and headed out to the Salton Sea to conduct some research for a science project we were doing. Once there, however, we realized that we had no test tubes or beakers, much less a hypothesis, and thus mutually decided to abort the whole damn project. Anyway, as we stood quietly in the shame of having driven 300 miles into the desert for nothing, we were suddenly attacked by a pack of wild skelebots. What is a skelebot you ask? Well, a skelebot is a skeleton with a robot head. Part skeleton, part robot, all trouble… that’s what a skelebot is. Seriously, they will not stop attacking until they have all of your socks! Anyway, we documented the entire attack on Fuji Provia with our 35mm panoramic camera. Unfortunately I’ve never scanned a single frame because I’m worthless. So for now these mediocre polaroids will have to do. As you can see, the skelebot eventually captured Vicki and is attempting to read her mind so that he can figure out where she’s hiding all her socks. Looking back these photos make me a bit sad, as they take me back to that special time in my life where I had comfortable cozy socks. Damn you skelebots!!! Give us back our socks! Seriously, do you even wear them or do you just get some sick pleasure from watching our naked feet shiver in the cold? What’s the deal?

FLASHBACK FRIDAY 14 - “GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR SKELEBOT ATTACK!!!”

So a few years back Vicki and I jumped into our space suits and headed out to the Salton Sea to conduct some research for a science project we were doing. Once there, however, we realized that we had no test tubes or beakers, much less a hypothesis, and thus mutually decided to abort the whole damn project.

Anyway, as we stood quietly in the shame of having driven 300 miles into the desert for nothing, we were suddenly attacked by a pack of wild skelebots. What is a skelebot you ask? Well, a skelebot is a skeleton with a robot head. Part skeleton, part robot, all trouble… that’s what a skelebot is. Seriously, they will not stop attacking until they have all of your socks!

Anyway, we documented the entire attack on Fuji Provia with our 35mm panoramic camera. Unfortunately I’ve never scanned a single frame because I’m worthless. So for now these mediocre polaroids will have to do. As you can see, the skelebot eventually captured Vicki and is attempting to read her mind so that he can figure out where she’s hiding all her socks.

Looking back these photos make me a bit sad, as they take me back to that special time in my life where I had comfortable cozy socks. Damn you skelebots!!! Give us back our socks! Seriously, do you even wear them or do you just get some sick pleasure from watching our naked feet shiver in the cold? What’s the deal?

1 of 3
Load More Posts
Sorry, No More Posts
Loading...