Scroll or use keys to navigate.
Hi, I'm Tanner. I like cloudy days and fish tanks. I have a wife and a kid. I like them as well.
Posts tagged prose
Follow Me on Instagram


Where did it all go wrong? Just an hour earlier they were making out in the back of Dave’s “research” van. Now they stand in silence, fighting not only the gravitational pull of earth, but also the gravitational pull of their heavy hearts. Perhaps Dave should’ve shaved his back before removing his hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Or perhaps Wendy should’ve explained her Ted Danson tattoo before letting Dave remove her hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Regardless, nothing but time (and maybe an electric razor) is gonna fix this thing.


After Wendy and Dave had finished collecting all of their specimens for the day, they decided to compete in an all out tug of war. The stakes were quite high, as the winner was to receive the looser’s hermetically sealed helmet. Wendy’s solid core propelled her to an easy victory, and Dave reluctantly detached his hermetically sealed helmet. Moments later he was face down in the mud, apparently dead. Wendy waited a few seconds and kicked him in the head. He screamed “DAMN WENDY! Why’d you kick my head? Am I in hell?”. Wendy replied, “The air is oxygen genius. You only passed out because you were holding your breath like damn fool. Pull yourself together man.” Dave pretended to pull himself together, but deep inside he knew that he was in hell.


Me: Hey mom, what’s with the bike?

My Mom: I’m gonna teach Baby Bunko* to pop wheelies and what nots.

Me: Does dad know about this?

My Mom: He’s out back building my ramp as we speak.

Me: You should get a helmet.

My Mom: My fist is my helmet.

*name pending


A few months back I purchased these mossballs from the back of some hippie’s van in Williamsburg. Ever since then amazing things have been happening to me. Here’s the top nine…

1. My breakfast cereal, whether it be Apple Jacks or Kix, never gets soggy.

2. No one has touched my ear inappropriately on the subway.

3. All of my socks seem to be accounted for. Finally.

4. I stopped having dreams about Vicki dressed as Wolverine devouring all my Sunday morning pancakes.

5. Vicki finally admitted that “The Zissou” might be a good name for our pending baby.

6. Vicki got a “body pillow” which means I inherited one of her regular pillows!

7. My mom finally invited me to one of her Super Mario Dance Parties where everyone swings their arms from side to side.

8. No one has yet to invent a cozy winter cap that converts into a coffee mug in case of emergency, which means I still have a chance to blow the minds of millions.

9. Vicki can’t seem to stop touching my ear inappropriately. Ohhh yeah! 


Once upon a time I was in a toy instrument band known as “Beard Patrol”. Along with Nick “Money Train” Prevas and Geoff “Thunder Thumbs” Thomas, we took Baltimore by storm one night in Geoff’s basement. Our first two hits were “Cowboy Shirt” and “My Mom’s Ex Boyfriends”.

"My Mom’s Ex-Boy Friends" was literally about my mom’s ex-boyfriends, with a heavy emphasis on Pam Boyfriend number three, the legendary Perry Bowser (I kid you not, that was his real name). Perry Bowser wrote a particularly randy message to my mom in her high school year book involving ice cubes and a shower cap.

Anyway, after the unparalleled success of “My Mom’s Ex-Boyfriends” we obviously had to have a gigantic falling out over a midnight Pancake Breakfast at Denny’s. Beard Patrol was no more.

"Money Train" went on to invent a cozy winter cap that served as a coffee mug in case of emergency, "Thunder Thumbs" parlayed his moniker into a lucrative gig as a thumb model for J.C. Penny’s (which ended tragically when he scalded both of his thumbs in an attempt to use "Money Trains" emergency coffee mug), and I started a tumblr and got Vicki pregnant.

Anyway, a few weeks ago “Money Train” and I had a Beard Patrol mini-reunion tour in my mom’s hallway. “Thunder Thumbs” boycotted the event and gave it two thumbs down on his very unpopular Wordpress blog.

And finally, in case you were wondering, my nickname was Tanner “Butter Beard” Almon.


This one time a rabid sparrow crashed through my window so I got down on the floor and called Vicki and told her to buy a crossbow on her way home from yoga class.

Twenty minutes later Vicki waked in and shot an arrow right through that sparrow.


This one time my friend Geoff was about to bite into his Auntie Anne’s soft pretzel when some surfer dude in flip flops appeared out of nowhere and stole it! As is often the case in such situations, Geoff calmly removed his shirt, jumped onto his moped, chased down the surfer dude, and ripped off his leg!!!

The moral of this story…


Disclaimer: The phrase “Don’t F With Geoff” is copyrighted to Nick Prevas and Geofferson Thomas. If you would like to use it as your company slogan and/or swim team name, I believe that they are currently charging a flat fee of around three hundred dollars for unlimited usage throughout the universe*.

*Universe does not include Nebraska, Jupiter, or the Atlantic Ocean.


This one time Vicki and I got lost in a snow storm while walking Rigby. After about ten minutes Vicki’s tummy began to rumble and she suggested that we eat Rigby. Rigby quickly yelled “Damn woman! It’s only been ten minutes! At least eat some snow before you eat YOUR F-ING PUPPY!!!”. An awkward silence soon ensued where they both glared at me for support. Eventually I reluctantly mumbled “he’s kind of gotta point”.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch ever since.


So a few years back Vicki and I jumped into our space suits and headed out to the Salton Sea to conduct some research for a science project we were doing. Once there, however, we realized that we had no test tubes or beakers, much less a hypothesis, and thus mutually decided to abort the whole damn project.


Anyway, as we stood quietly in the shame of having driven 300 miles into the desert for nothing, we were suddenly attacked by a pack of wild skelebots. What is a skelebot you ask? Well, a skelebot is a skeleton with a robot head. Part skeleton, part robot, all trouble… that’s what a skelebot is. Seriously, they will not stop attacking until they have all of your socks!


Anyway, we documented the entire attack on Fuji Provia with our 35mm panoramic camera. Unfortunately I’ve never scanned a single frame because I’m worthless. So for now these mediocre polaroids will have to do. As you can see, the skelebot eventually captured Vicki and is attempting to read her mind so that he can figure out where she’s hiding all her socks.


Looking back these photos make me a bit sad, as they take me back to that special time in my life where I had comfortable cozy socks. Damn you skelebots!!! Give us back our socks! Seriously, do you even wear them or do you just get some sick pleasure from watching our naked feet shiver in the cold? What’s the deal?


First off, I just wanted to say thanks so much to all of you who took the time to watch my short film Soda Pop Cough Drop last week. Seriously, quite a few of you commented on it, so you must have at least watched some of it, which is awesome. Thanks so much!

Anyway, I was digging around on my hard drive this morning and found these drawings. I can’t really remember why I drew them, I think I was probably just bored and figured they’d make pretty good cartoon characters. 

In the picture above Space Boy can be seen cannonballing into his dad’s backyard swimming pool. Shark Boy is not pleased as he’s trying to get some laps in before adult swim. I’m not really sure what Soda Pop and Cough Drop are doing, I guess maybe they’re the lifeguards. Also, I’m not sure what’s up with the pink tornado, but I quite like it.


Hmm, it looks like after that annoying cannonball Shark Boy decided to challenge Space Boy to a boxing match. After seven rounds they both look like they’re doing pretty good. Barrington makes an appearance in this one, he’s got his money riding on Space Boy.


After Space Boy lost the boxing match he fell on hard times, put on a few pounds, and started caddying for Barrington. Shark Boy quit his job at Applebee’s just so that he could follow them in his golf cart and yell insults about Space Boy’s weight gain. 


Soda Pop arrests Shark Boy for driving golf carts while under the influence of one too many Pop Tarts. During the interrogation she gets grumpy when Cough Drop, her superior, offers Shark Boy a blender full of hungry goldfish to help digest the Pop Tarts (apparently this one wasn’t even worth coloring).

Anyway, if you’d like to see the live action version of Soda Pop Cough Drop just CLICK HERE. Also, I apologize for posting this edition of Flashback Friday on a Saturday. I’d like to blame my laziness on the impending rapture, but really, if I want to be honest myself, it’s Vicki’s fault. She’s always like “Hey man, let’s go eat some mini-cupcakes”, “Hey man, let’s go pet some baby hedgehogs”, “Hey man, let’s go watch some baby hedgehogs eat some mini-cupcakes”.