STRANGE ADVENTURES IN MARYLAND 01 - “OWLY OWLYINGTON”

So a few weekends ago Vicki and I traveled back to Maryland to celebrate her 30th birthday. Along the way we stopped by to see my folks. As soon as we walked in the door my mom made us a pair of her famous “Pammy Milkshakes”. As we struggled to sip the thick milkshakes through our bendy straws, my mom warned us about a viscous “demon attack owl from hell” that had allegedly been terrorizing small dogs in the community. I stress the word allegedly, as she offered up very little in the way of actual “proof”.

Now, as many of you know, my mom has a small rather pathetic looking dog named Toby. Although Toby is often mistaken for an ugly cat and/or ferret and contributes absolutely nothing to society, my mom nonetheless loves him very much and was absolutely freaked out about the owl. She had gone so far as to build a small green cloak for Toby so that he would blend in with the grass when out for walks.

Anyway, long story short, once I was done my milkshake my mom demanded that my father and I set out to “destroy the owl”. So my dad and I put on some old hockey gear, grabbed our sling shots, and headed out to do some damage. Neither of us thought there was a chance in hell we’d find the owl, and to be honest, we weren’t so sure it even existed. 

As we walked along with our slingshots my dad and I traded stories about Toby’s seemingly endless supply of pathetic-ness. I was deep into a story about the time Toby got his head trapped in one of those plastic hamster balls when my dad yelled “God damn it’s an owl”. I looked up and there he was, looking right at me like I was some kind of hipster doofus.

So yeah, my dad and I raised our slingshots and just as we were about to shoot my dad said “Hold on a second son, this here owl’s a majestic creature of nature, how’s about we let him live”. “What about Toby?” I asked. My dad replied “Toby’s just a rat that barks, Owly Owlington here is a champion of nature”. “Did you just call him Owly Owlington?” I asked. “Yep” he said. “What about Owlbert Einstein?” I asked. “Nope, his name’s Owly Owlington”. 

And that’s the story of Owly Owlington.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that my sister’s boyfriend, John, was also along for the adventure to destroy Owly Owlington. He lagged behind a bit as I think he saw the whole ordeal as a bit, shall we say, unnecessary and pointless. However, he did have a few good alternate name suggestions for Owly Owlington, including Owl Bundy and Owlan Rickman.

Here’s a wide shot of Owly Owlington and his tree…

SAD STUFF IN JAPAN 01 - “THE PENGUIN WALK OF SHAME”

After three hours the penguin finally blinked and lost the staring contest with Vicki’s dad. In the photo above you can see one of the trainers leading him to the piranha tank, into which he will have to place his flipper for 30 seconds (as a result of loosing the staring contest). 

Not to worry though, just as the penguin began to dip his flipper into piranha infested waters Vicki screamed “Don’t do it penguin! This is insane!!! Dad, go hug the damn penguin and let’s go find Tanner some chicken teriyaki”. So Vicki’s dad and the penguin reluctantly hugged it out and off we went to once again NOT find chicken teriyaki in the country that I thought had invented it.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 20 - “THE SHOWDOWN”

Once this penguin locked eyes with Vicki’s dad it was on. Whoever blinked first had to stick their hand and/or flipper in the piranha tank for thirty seconds.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 19 - “LITTLE SHRIMP CREATURE FROM HELL”

This was the only worthwhile picture that I took while inside the Kochi aquarium and it took FOREVER because…

a. Vicki couldn’t hold the damn magnifying glass still

b. The little shrimp creature from hell wouldn’t stay still

c. I couldn’t figure out how to focus my my damn camera

Answer: Definitely not “c”, but I’m torn between “a” and “b”.

Also, I can neither confirm nor deny that this creature is in fact a shrimp. But what I can confirm is this… it is certainly, without a doubt, from HELL!!!

MY MOM AND HER TWO FAVORITE THINGS

Toby’s grumpy face says it all… he’s a bit jealous these days.

PEOPLE OF JAPAN 06 - “A FISH, A CRAB, A MAN, AND A FLOPPY HAT”

This is what happens when the perfect storm of a goofy fish, a quiet man, and a “giant nightmare freak-a-zoid crab creature from hell” suddenly collides before your eyes. I feel bad knowing that most folks will ever experience an event of this magnitude in their lifetimes.

Also, there is a top-secret second fish hiding somewhere in this photo, and no, it’s not hiding under the floppy hat. Although I wouldn’t rule out a hermit crab being under there.

PEOPLE OF JAPAN 05 - “A PRETTY NICE MOMENT”

I wish I would have gotten this guy’s email address as I think he’d probably like this picture. He really looks genuinely “happy”. 

Note: I’d be happy too if I had a daughter with such awesome hair. Usually one would need a balloon and carpet to achieve that sort of hair style, but not her, she’s got it and she knows how to work it!

PEOPLE OF JAPAN 04 - “BABY SIMBA”

I probably shouldn’t be taking pictures of other people’s kids, but when this guy held up this adorable baby “Lion King” style I simply could not resist.

Sort of funny/sad story: I told Vicki that I thought this baby looked liked she did as a baby and she said that I was a bit of a racist for assuming that all “Half Japanese Half White” babies looked the same. I then told her that she was a bit of a racist for assuming that the baby was “Half Japanese Half White” just because she was with a Japanese woman and a white man. Vicki was not amused.

COOL STUFF IN JAPAN 02 - “STING RAY SUPER TUBE OF MINNOW MAGIC”

Had one of these things existed when I was a kid my head would literally have exploded from “awesome overload”.

Seriously, I’m an old married dude and as I was walking through this tunnel I could literally feel the “awesome meter” in my brain getting close to the danger zone. Had a shark swam by in a Santa Hat my brain literally would have exploded and Vicki literally would have killed me.

CRAZY CHRISTMAS DOLPHIN SHOW IN TOKYO!!!

Normally I try to boycott dolphin shows as I believe that they (dolphins) are way to cool for captivity. However, when I saw the dolphin trainers walking by in amazing Santa suits all of my deep convictions about dolphin captivity flew right out the blow hole. Do I feel bad about watching the show… yep. Did I enjoy the show… hell yep. Do I think dolphins should be kept in swimming pools… hell no. Am I a big hypocrite… hell yep.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of photos from the most cheerful dolphin show ever. 80’s American Pop Music was blaring the whole time, it was a feel good fun time for all (except maybe not for the dolphins).