SPACE PINEAPPLE SPACE SUCKS
A few years back, I think on a Monday, Bunko and I were on a routine geological expedition somewhere, I want to say Neptune, but I can’t be sure. I think we were looking for phosphorous or something, I honestly can’t remember. Anyway, what I do remember is getting really hungry, grabbing my portable space phone, and ordering a space pizza. I asked if they could add some space pineapple to the space pizza, as I had heard good things. Unfortunately, as soon as I asked for some space pineapple, I hear Bunko yell “AGGGGHHH! PIE PLAIN! PIE PLAIN!!!”. Because Bunko always gets what Bunko wants, I reluctantly swallowed my space pride and told them to nix the space pineapple.
Once I hung up I realized that she wasn’t yelling “PIE PLAIN” at all, she was actually yelling “MY BRAIN”. Turns out, sometime during my ten second phone call, she had somehow gone and got herself abducted a skelebot (half robot, half human skeleton).
Like a space cheetah on space coffee, I immediately sprung into action. I called the pizza place back to say that it had all been a space sized misunderstanding, and that I still really wanted the space pineapple on the space pizza.
The point is this: space pineapple space sucks.
Also, Bunko’s expression in this photo is too damn good.
VICKI DOESN’T SHARE THEM APPLES
This one time Vicki and I were at a carnival and I spent my last twenty bucks attempting to win her a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee (I did not succeed). As we were leaving the carnival she got herself a delectable candy apple. I asked her if I could have a bite. She said “You can have a bite when I have a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee”.
The next day I went out and got myself a squirt gun and a wooden bird feeder. I spent the next 364 days shooting that squirt gun through the little hole of the bird feeder. We went back to the carnival and I easily won the stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee. I handed it to Vicki and asked for a bite of her candy apple. She replied “I don’t wan’t a stuffed baby porcupine dressed like a bumble bee, I want a stuffed baby bumble bee dressed like porcupine. No bite for you!!!”
Anyway, the most amazing part of this whole story is that she was still chewing on that same damn candy apple nearly a year later.
STUDENT FILM SERIES: METHOD FOR SELF-DEFENSE AGAINST SCORPIONS
A few weeks ago for “Flashback Friday” I posted a polaroid of my main man Geoff chewing on M&M’s in an effort to create sound effects for my short film, Method For Self-Defense Agains Scorpions. Anyway, last night I dug up a poorly digitized version of the film and figured I’d post it here. It’s around 14 minutes long which probably means that none of you will ever watch it, but I figured what the hell, maybe someone will watch the first minute or so.
For me the highlight of the film is my Uncle Pat, who has a cameo as a grief stricken husband whose wife (played by my mom, obviously) was tragically killed by a scorpion. I love the moment when he awkwardly places his elbow on my friend Kevin and slowly delivers this gem of a line… “she was stung three times in each eye”.
Anyway, the film is based on a short story by the brilliant Argentinean writer Fernando Sorrentino. I remember sitting down and actually writing a letter to him asking if it was okay to make a film about his story. And I remember getting a very nice hand written letter back saying yes. I feel bad for you kids these days who may never know the feeling of getting a real hand-written letter from someone in a foreign land, it was so exciting. My mom actually has the envelope Mr. Sorrentino sent me framed and hanging on her wall, as she was quite fond of the Argentinean stationary.
Anyway, if you have a few minutes please give this film a shot, not so much for my film but to simply hear one of Mr. Sorrentino’s brilliant imaginative tales. It really is quite an amazing story.
DEAD HEADS IN RED BEDS
A long time ago in a land far away there lived a very sad married couple. The husband was a rather inept boot cobbler and his wife was a bit of a nutter. She’d often laugh hysterically at her husband’s inability to fix boots and then go running out into the forest to “dance with the butterflies”. One day as she was merrily fox trotting through the woods she met an adorable Saint Bernard puppy. He told her that he was a magical canine and offered her three wishes.
Her first wish was for beautiful red butterfly wings, which he immediately granted. Her second wish was a nice thick mustache for her husband, who had always been ashamed of his inability to grow manly facial hair. The puppy happily obliged. Her third wish was for her and her husband to have giant round heads so that they could wear bath tubs as hats. The puppy said that he would try, but warned that it might not work as planned, being that it was actually two wishes, one for her and one for her husband. She said okay and the puppy reluctantly granted the wish. As he’d expected, it did not go quite according to plan. The good news was that they could now wear bath tubs as hats, the bad news was that they no longer had eyeballs or hair.
The collage you see above is really just a compilation of some polaroids that we took as we were shooting a “Day of the Dead” inspired film at the Madonna Inn. Unfortunately, the actual film has nothing to do with the magical fairy tale described above. Fortunately, it is still a fairy tale, albeit a much more tragic one. Hopefully one of these days I’ll find some time to edit the film as I think it might be pretty neat. We shot it on Super 8 and there is quite a bit of fishing wire trickery involved. Oh, and my lovely wife Vicki gives the most epic death scene performance of the past twenty seven years.
*To see all of these polaroids check out my flickr. Poems about a few of them will surely follow in the next few days or so…
LITTLE KITCHEN CREATURES FROM HELL
Lucy was a bit suspicious when the realtor rushed her through the kitchen, but for $27 dollars a month she simply could not refuse the apartment. After three weeks of pizza deliveries, she finally unpacked her toaster and decided to make herself some grilled cheese. After filling her tummy with the delightful grilled cheeses, she reluctantly decided to wash her plate. As she scrubbed away, an uneasy feeling began to rumble in her belly, and no, it was not because of the grilled cheese. Creeping, or rather clumsily sliding towards her, was a family of what she could only later describe as “little rotisserie chicken creatures from hell”. She quickly grabbed a broom and hid behind a trash can for safety.
After about ten minutes or so in hiding, the sweet and delectable aroma of the creatures’ sweat began to convince Lucy that the grilled cheese had not really filled her up as much as she would have liked. Listening to her tummy rather than her brain, she abruptly went on the offensive, calmly and politely devouring each and every one of the “little rotisserie chicken creatures from hell”. The next day, Lucy ran into her landlady and asked about the mysteriously yummy creatures. The landlady informed Lucy that the previous tenant had inadvertently opened up a “portal to leftover hell” when trying to unclog his garbage disposal. At that moment, Lucy finally realized why her “bungalow style” apartment in the hills was only twenty-seven dollars a month.
The idea for these photos hit me while I was reluctantly grocery shopping at Ralph’s supermarket on a random day off. I quickly purchased all of the supplies and went home and assembled the “kitchen creatures from hell”. When Vicki got home from work and saw the creatures she rolled her eyes and reluctantly asked “okay, what am I wearing?”
LANI & HYDE
After winning a whopping $77 at Bingo night, Lani cheerfully rides the bus home to share the news with her boyfriend, Hyde. They quickly blow the money on some lottery tickets that unfortunately are not winners. Not knowing what else to do they decide to rob a thrift store… again. Because their previous attempt at robbing Value Village had not ended so well they decide to up their game by wearing disguises. They go about this by quickly stealing some short shorts and tube socks from American Apparel. Now, disguised as sexy hipster models, they are able to easily slip into Value Village unnoticed and pocket several vintage toys. Once outside the store they suddenly realize that they have no bus money or getaway car, so Hyde calls his mom, who reluctantly gets out of bed and into her station wagon. Once back at what Hyde likes to refer to as his “Man-Cave”, Lani and Hyde put on a show with some of their loot while Hyde’s mom photographs the various “going-ons”. Some of the more family friendly photos will be posted here in coming days, weeks, maybe years.
Unfortunately for Lani and Hyde, several of the photographs taken that night by Hyde’s mother were later used against them on a gripping episode of Judge Judy. Fortunately for Lani and Hyde, the Judge Judy appearance led to a lucrative reality show where each week they would break into celebrity homes and steal whatever pets they could find.
BUNKO THE BRAVE
During the day Kyoko works as a roller-maid for a Japanese business man named Steve. At night she kicks off her roller skates, rips off her maid gown, and becomes “Bunko the Brave”. Bunko is a beautiful warrior princess who fights adult illiteracy, childhood obesity, and crime. Her headquarters, the Bunko Bunker, is an actual cave much likes Batman’s minus the Batmobile and Alfred. Whereas Batman primarily used his cave for monitoring crime and designing whiz-bang gizmos, Bunko likes to use her cave a a place to practice her “sultry looks”. On the rare occasions that she is not pouting into the mirror Bunko can be found drawing dirty images on her etch-a-sketch and ordering cold pizza on her BunkPhone.
Note: The names Kyoko and Bunko are traditional Japanese baby girl names. The meaning of Kyoko is “mirror”, and the meaning of Bunko is “literary child”. The name Steve is not a traditional Japanese boy name. If it were I’d imaging it’s meaning would be “child who brings shame upon family”.
See the whole show here.
SALTON SEA GHOST STORY
An unpublished novelist and her assistant head out to the barren Salton Sea to write an original story about an incredible jogger who dreams of becoming a mediocre runner. After several months of not really getting anywhere with the novel they both die in a freak accident involving a tornado and a mountain lion. Once dead, they become ghosts, and together write an incredible ghost story about a periwinkle ghost who rises from the depths of the Salton Sea and becomes an adequate runner.
See the whole show here.
DINOSAUR BRAINWASH HELMET
While digging for Brontosaurus bones at the Salton Sea, this husband and wife team of amateur archaeologists makes an incredible discovery. It is not a dinosaur bone, but rather, some sort of helmet that they conclude must have been worn by dinosaurs. They quickly run a series of rudimentary tests using a magnifying glass and a car battery. Once the results are in they conclude, based on their limited knowledge of the dinosaur mind, that the helmet was probably used by the Triceratops to brainwash the evil Tyrannosaurs Rex into being nice.
See the whole damn show HERE.