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Hi, I'm Tanner. I like cloudy days and fish tanks. I have a wife and a kid. I like them as well.
Posts tagged short story
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GUMMY BEAR CITY

As Wendy looked up at the stupid sky she wondered what would kill her first. Would it be the sea urchin she’d punched in the face just a few hours earlier? Would it be the sea urchin’s ex-wife, Wanda, seeking vengeance for her man? Or perhaps it would be the sea urchin’s illegitimate half-sea-cucumber bastard child, Todd, seeking social acceptance in an unforgiving world. Would it even be a sea urchin? Hell, would it even be be a sea creature? Maybe it’d be her ex-boyfriend, Perry Bowser? She never did acknowledge his gummy bear city. Or maybe it would be her former scuba instructor, Dale Hawaii? She never did respect his hermetically sealed speedo. Or maybe it would just be something annoying like sun burn or pink eye.

DRUNKEN SEA URCHIN FROM HELL

"CRIKEY!!!" screamed Dave, “My hermetically sealed jumpsuit’s been breached!!!". “Dammit Dave" screamed Wendy, “What the hell happened this time?". As Dave dropped to his knees gasping for air, he mumbled, “It appeared to be some sort of drunken sea urchin from hell". Wendy punched the sea urchin in the face and reluctantly carried Dave to safety.

Toxicology reports later revealed that the “drunken” sea urchin was actually sober at the time of Dave’s alleged hermetic breach. The sea urchin is currently suing Dave for defamation of character.

SPACE PINEAPPLE SPACE SUCKS

A few years back, I think on a Monday, Bunko and I were on a routine geological expedition somewhere, I want to say Neptune, but I can’t be sure. I think we were looking for phosphorous or something, I honestly can’t remember. Anyway, what I do remember is getting really hungry, grabbing my portable space phone, and ordering a space pizza. I asked if they could add some space pineapple to the space pizza, as I had heard good things. Unfortunately, as soon as I asked for some space pineapple, I hear Bunko yell “AGGGGHHH! PIE PLAIN! PIE PLAIN!!!”. Because Bunko always gets what Bunko wants, I reluctantly swallowed my space pride and told them to nix the space pineapple. 

Once I hung up I realized that she wasn’t yelling “PIE PLAIN” at all, she was actually yelling “MY BRAIN”. Turns out, sometime during my ten second phone call, she had somehow gone and got herself abducted a skelebot (half robot, half human skeleton).

Like a space cheetah on space coffee, I immediately sprung into action. I called the pizza place back to say that it had all been a space sized misunderstanding, and that I still really wanted the space pineapple on the space pizza. 

The point is this: space pineapple space sucks.

Also, Bunko’s expression in this photo is too damn good. 

STUDENT FILM SERIES: METHOD FOR SELF-DEFENSE AGAINST SCORPIONS

A few weeks ago for “Flashback Friday” I posted a polaroid of my main man Geoff chewing on M&M’s in an effort to create sound effects for my short film, Method For Self-Defense Agains Scorpions. Anyway, last night I dug up a poorly digitized version of the film and figured I’d post it here. It’s around 14 minutes long which probably means that none of you will ever watch it, but I figured what the hell, maybe someone will watch the first minute or so.

For me the highlight of the film is my Uncle Pat, who has a cameo as a grief stricken husband whose wife (played by my mom, obviously) was tragically killed by a scorpion. I love the moment when he awkwardly places his elbow on my friend Kevin and slowly delivers this gem of a line… “she was stung three times in each eye”.

Anyway, the film is based on a short story by the brilliant Argentinean writer Fernando Sorrentino. I remember sitting down and actually writing a letter to him asking if it was okay to make a film about his story. And I remember getting a very nice hand written letter back saying yes. I feel bad for you kids these days who may never know the feeling of getting a real hand-written letter from someone in a foreign land, it was so exciting. My mom actually has the envelope Mr. Sorrentino sent me framed and hanging on her wall, as she was quite fond of the Argentinean stationary.

Anyway, if you have a few minutes please give this film a shot, not so much for my film but to simply hear one of Mr. Sorrentino’s brilliant imaginative tales. It really is quite an amazing story.

DEAD HEADS IN RED BEDS

A long time ago in a land far away there lived a very sad married couple. The husband was a rather inept boot cobbler and his wife was a bit of a nutter. She’d often laugh hysterically at her husband’s inability to fix boots and then go running out into the forest to “dance with the butterflies”. One day as she was merrily fox trotting through the woods she met an adorable Saint Bernard puppy. He told her that he was a magical canine and offered her three wishes.

Her first wish was for beautiful red butterfly wings, which he immediately granted. Her second wish was a nice thick mustache for her husband, who had always been ashamed of his inability to grow manly facial hair. The puppy happily obliged. Her third wish was for her and her husband to have giant round heads so that they could wear bath tubs as hats. The puppy said that he would try, but warned that it might not work as planned, being that it was actually two wishes, one for her and one for her husband. She said okay and the puppy reluctantly granted the wish. As he’d expected, it did not go quite according to plan. The good news was that they could now wear bath tubs as hats, the bad news was that they no longer had eyeballs or hair.

LANI & HYDE

After winning a whopping $77 at Bingo night, Lani cheerfully rides the bus home to share the news with her boyfriend, Hyde. They quickly blow the money on some lottery tickets that unfortunately are not winners. Not knowing what else to do they decide to rob a thrift store… again. Because their previous attempt at robbing Value Village had not ended so well they decide to up their game by wearing disguises. They go about this by quickly stealing some short shorts and tube socks from American Apparel. Now, disguised as sexy hipster models, they are able to easily slip into Value Village unnoticed and pocket several vintage toys. Once outside the store they suddenly realize that they have no bus money or getaway car, so Hyde calls his mom, who reluctantly gets out of bed and into her station wagon. Once back at what Hyde likes to refer to as his “Man-Cave”, Lani and Hyde put on a show with some of their loot while Hyde’s mom photographs the various “going-ons”. Some of the more family friendly photos will be posted here in coming days, weeks, maybe years.

Behind-the-Scenes:
Unfortunately for Lani and Hyde, several of the photographs taken that night by Hyde’s mother were later used against them on a gripping episode of Judge Judy. Fortunately for Lani and Hyde, the Judge Judy appearance led to a lucrative reality show where each week they would break into celebrity homes and steal whatever pets they could find.

DINOSAUR BRAINWASH HELMET

While digging for Brontosaurus bones at the Salton Sea, this husband and wife team of amateur archaeologists makes an incredible discovery. It is not a dinosaur bone, but rather, some sort of helmet that they conclude must have been worn by dinosaurs. They quickly run a series of rudimentary tests using a magnifying glass and a car battery. Once the results are in they conclude, based on their limited knowledge of the dinosaur mind, that the helmet was probably used by the Triceratops to brainwash the evil Tyrannosaurs Rex into being nice.

See the whole damn show HERE.

SALTON SEA SUNSET

After a long day of very ambitious yet wildly unsuccessful geothermal testing we say farewell to yet another day where we failed.  Geothermal testing is not easy when you have no formal training.

ROBOHULAPALOOZA

After the robot uprising of 1985, in which all humans were launched into Tina Turner’s Thunderdome, the robots got really bored.  Without humans to throw into thunderdomes, what was a robot to do?  The answer, it turns out, was hula hoop.

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