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Hi, I'm Tanner. I like cloudy days and fish tanks. I have a wife and a kid. I like them as well.
Posts tagged space
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SPACE COFFEE

As Dave and Wendy sat in Dave’s “research” van eating space breakfast (space toast and space syrup), Dave decided to brew up some space coffee. Unfortunately he made the brew way too strong… so strong, in fact, that it blew the space coffee pot’s hermetic seal. “Dammit Dave! The hermetic seal’s been breached! We be doomed my man!” 

Dave clumsily tried to clog the leak with space syrup, but it was too late, the space coffee’s stale aroma had already permeated the perimeter and awakened the hibernating skelebots*.

And thus so began the Great Skelebot Uprising of 1989. As a particularly cranky skelebot battled Wendy for her space mug full of stale space coffee, Dave attempted to phone ground control. Regrettably, Dave’s fingers, still covered in sticky space syrup, made this task more or less impossible. Wendy was abducted and Dave was left for dead (with a phone stuck to his hand).

* A skelebot is a creature, most likely from hell, that has the head of a robot and the body of a human skeleton. They enjoy space coffee, 80’s New Wave, and animated GIFs.

DRUNKEN SEA URCHIN FROM HELL

"CRIKEY!!!" screamed Dave, “My hermetically sealed jumpsuit’s been breached!!!". “Dammit Dave" screamed Wendy, “What the hell happened this time?". As Dave dropped to his knees gasping for air, he mumbled, “It appeared to be some sort of drunken sea urchin from hell". Wendy punched the sea urchin in the face and reluctantly carried Dave to safety.

Toxicology reports later revealed that the “drunken” sea urchin was actually sober at the time of Dave’s alleged hermetic breach. The sea urchin is currently suing Dave for defamation of character.

ELECTRIC RAZOR TED DANSON

Where did it all go wrong? Just an hour earlier they were making out in the back of Dave’s “research” van. Now they stand in silence, fighting not only the gravitational pull of earth, but also the gravitational pull of their heavy hearts. Perhaps Dave should’ve shaved his back before removing his hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Or perhaps Wendy should’ve explained her Ted Danson tattoo before letting Dave remove her hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Regardless, nothing but time (and maybe an electric razor) is gonna fix this thing.

THE AIR IS OXYGEN GENIUS

After Wendy and Dave had finished collecting all of their specimens for the day, they decided to compete in an all out tug of war. The stakes were quite high, as the winner was to receive the looser’s hermetically sealed helmet. Wendy’s solid core propelled her to an easy victory, and Dave reluctantly detached his hermetically sealed helmet. Moments later he was face down in the mud, apparently dead. Wendy waited a few seconds and kicked him in the head. He screamed “DAMN WENDY! Why’d you kick my head? Am I in hell?”. Wendy replied, “The air is oxygen genius. You only passed out because you were holding your breath like damn fool. Pull yourself together man.” Dave pretended to pull himself together, but deep inside he knew that he was in hell.

COIL TURMOIL

As Dave reluctantly reached into the piranha infested waters to pick up the metal coil, he thought to himself “Is this really what I should be doing with my life, I went to college, I have a reliable van, why the hell am I sitting in piranha infested waters in a thrift store space suit?”. As he gazed into the reflection of his pathetic existence, he decided not to pick up the tetanus infested coil. He said “See Ya Wendy” and hopped into his van, which wouldn’t start. Wendy called a tow truck.

SPACE PINEAPPLE SPACE SUCKS

A few years back, I think on a Monday, Bunko and I were on a routine geological expedition somewhere, I want to say Neptune, but I can’t be sure. I think we were looking for phosphorous or something, I honestly can’t remember. Anyway, what I do remember is getting really hungry, grabbing my portable space phone, and ordering a space pizza. I asked if they could add some space pineapple to the space pizza, as I had heard good things. Unfortunately, as soon as I asked for some space pineapple, I hear Bunko yell “AGGGGHHH! PIE PLAIN! PIE PLAIN!!!”. Because Bunko always gets what Bunko wants, I reluctantly swallowed my space pride and told them to nix the space pineapple. 

Once I hung up I realized that she wasn’t yelling “PIE PLAIN” at all, she was actually yelling “MY BRAIN”. Turns out, sometime during my ten second phone call, she had somehow gone and got herself abducted a skelebot (half robot, half human skeleton).

Like a space cheetah on space coffee, I immediately sprung into action. I called the pizza place back to say that it had all been a space sized misunderstanding, and that I still really wanted the space pineapple on the space pizza. 

The point is this: space pineapple space sucks.

Also, Bunko’s expression in this photo is too damn good. 

BUNKO FORGETS HER CHAPSTICK

As she waits to die,

she looks up at the sky,

and wonders why,

her lips are dry.

MOON WALKERS

She wanted to stay,

inside the truck,

he said no way,

and now they’re stuck.