SPACE COFFEE
As Dave and Wendy sat in Dave’s “research” van eating space breakfast (space toast and space syrup), Dave decided to brew up some space coffee. Unfortunately he made the brew way too strong… so strong, in fact, that it blew the space coffee pot’s hermetic seal. “Dammit Dave! The hermetic seal’s been breached! We be doomed my man!” 
Dave clumsily tried to clog the leak with space syrup, but it was too late, the space coffee’s stale aroma had already permeated the perimeter and awakened the hibernating skelebots*.
And thus so began the Great Skelebot Uprising of 1989. As a particularly cranky skelebot battled Wendy for her space mug full of stale space coffee, Dave attempted to phone ground control. Regrettably, Dave’s fingers, still covered in sticky space syrup, made this task more or less impossible. Wendy was abducted and Dave was left for dead (with a phone stuck to his hand).
* A skelebot is a creature, most likely from hell, that has the head of a robot and the body of a human skeleton. They enjoy space coffee, 80’s New Wave, and animated GIFs.

SPACE COFFEE

As Dave and Wendy sat in Dave’s “research” van eating space breakfast (space toast and space syrup), Dave decided to brew up some space coffee. Unfortunately he made the brew way too strong… so strong, in fact, that it blew the space coffee pot’s hermetic seal. “Dammit Dave! The hermetic seal’s been breached! We be doomed my man!” 

Dave clumsily tried to clog the leak with space syrup, but it was too late, the space coffee’s stale aroma had already permeated the perimeter and awakened the hibernating skelebots*.

And thus so began the Great Skelebot Uprising of 1989. As a particularly cranky skelebot battled Wendy for her space mug full of stale space coffee, Dave attempted to phone ground control. Regrettably, Dave’s fingers, still covered in sticky space syrup, made this task more or less impossible. Wendy was abducted and Dave was left for dead (with a phone stuck to his hand).

* A skelebot is a creature, most likely from hell, that has the head of a robot and the body of a human skeleton. They enjoy space coffee, 80’s New Wave, and animated GIFs.

DRUNKEN SEA URCHIN FROM HELL
"CRIKEY!!!" screamed Dave, “My hermetically sealed jumpsuit’s been breached!!!". “Dammit Dave" screamed Wendy, “What the hell happened this time?". As Dave dropped to his knees gasping for air, he mumbled, “It appeared to be some sort of drunken sea urchin from hell". Wendy punched the sea urchin in the face and reluctantly carried Dave to safety.  Toxicology reports later revealed that the “drunken” sea urchin was actually sober at the time of Dave’s alleged hermetic breach. The sea urchin is currently suing Dave for defamation of character.

DRUNKEN SEA URCHIN FROM HELL

"CRIKEY!!!" screamed Dave, “My hermetically sealed jumpsuit’s been breached!!!". “Dammit Dave" screamed Wendy, “What the hell happened this time?". As Dave dropped to his knees gasping for air, he mumbled, “It appeared to be some sort of drunken sea urchin from hell". Wendy punched the sea urchin in the face and reluctantly carried Dave to safety.

Toxicology reports later revealed that the “drunken” sea urchin was actually sober at the time of Dave’s alleged hermetic breach. The sea urchin is currently suing Dave for defamation of character.

ELECTRIC RAZOR TED DANSON
Where did it all go wrong? Just an hour earlier they were making out in the back of Dave’s “research” van. Now they stand in silence, fighting not only the gravitational pull of earth, but also the gravitational pull of their heavy hearts. Perhaps Dave should’ve shaved his back before removing his hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Or perhaps Wendy should’ve explained her Ted Danson tattoo before letting Dave remove her hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Regardless, nothing but time (and maybe an electric razor) is gonna fix this thing.

ELECTRIC RAZOR TED DANSON

Where did it all go wrong? Just an hour earlier they were making out in the back of Dave’s “research” van. Now they stand in silence, fighting not only the gravitational pull of earth, but also the gravitational pull of their heavy hearts. Perhaps Dave should’ve shaved his back before removing his hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Or perhaps Wendy should’ve explained her Ted Danson tattoo before letting Dave remove her hermetically sealed jumpsuit? Regardless, nothing but time (and maybe an electric razor) is gonna fix this thing.

THE AIR IS OXYGEN GENIUS
After Wendy and Dave had finished collecting all of their specimens for the day, they decided to compete in an all out tug of war. The stakes were quite high, as the winner was to receive the looser’s hermetically sealed helmet. Wendy’s solid core propelled her to an easy victory, and Dave reluctantly detached his hermetically sealed helmet. Moments later he was face down in the mud, apparently dead. Wendy waited a few seconds and kicked him in the head. He screamed “DAMN WENDY! Why’d you kick my head? Am I in hell?”. Wendy replied, “The air is oxygen genius. You only passed out because you were holding your breath like damn fool. Pull yourself together man.” Dave pretended to pull himself together, but deep inside he knew that he was in hell.

THE AIR IS OXYGEN GENIUS

After Wendy and Dave had finished collecting all of their specimens for the day, they decided to compete in an all out tug of war. The stakes were quite high, as the winner was to receive the looser’s hermetically sealed helmet. Wendy’s solid core propelled her to an easy victory, and Dave reluctantly detached his hermetically sealed helmet. Moments later he was face down in the mud, apparently dead. Wendy waited a few seconds and kicked him in the head. He screamed “DAMN WENDY! Why’d you kick my head? Am I in hell?”. Wendy replied, “The air is oxygen genius. You only passed out because you were holding your breath like damn fool. Pull yourself together man.” Dave pretended to pull himself together, but deep inside he knew that he was in hell.

COIL TURMOIL
As Dave reluctantly reached into the piranha infested waters to pick up the metal coil, he thought to himself “Is this really what I should be doing with my life, I went to college, I have a reliable van, why the hell am I sitting in piranha infested waters in a thrift store space suit?”. As he gazed into the reflection of his pathetic existence, he decided not to pick up the tetanus infested coil. He said “See Ya Wendy” and hopped into his van, which wouldn’t start. Wendy called a tow truck.

COIL TURMOIL

As Dave reluctantly reached into the piranha infested waters to pick up the metal coil, he thought to himself “Is this really what I should be doing with my life, I went to college, I have a reliable van, why the hell am I sitting in piranha infested waters in a thrift store space suit?”. As he gazed into the reflection of his pathetic existence, he decided not to pick up the tetanus infested coil. He said “See Ya Wendy” and hopped into his van, which wouldn’t start. Wendy called a tow truck.

HERE WE GO AGAIN
Howdy party people! How the hell are ya? 
Sorry for not posting in forever, it’s just that last year I had a kid, moved to Maryland, started a new job, broke my favorite bowl, blah blah blah. Long story short, as rad a Tumblr is, I just didn’t have enough time to tumble as I spent most of 2012 dragging Baby Cannonball (my daughter) to various Bed Bath and Beyonds looking for a decent bowl to represent my Monday Morning Apple Jacks.
Anyway, the photo above is a polaroid of me holding a polaroid taken in, I want to say, Nashville, in 2003, maybe. I don’t know, it could also be St. Louis in 2002, or Cincinnati in 2004. Either way, a big goal for me in 2013 is to once again be able to fit into that sweet Wyoming T Shirt (which probably means no more damn Apple Jacks).
I guess that’s about it. Hopefully I’ll post here again before 2014. 

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Howdy party people! How the hell are ya? 

Sorry for not posting in forever, it’s just that last year I had a kid, moved to Maryland, started a new job, broke my favorite bowl, blah blah blah. Long story short, as rad a Tumblr is, I just didn’t have enough time to tumble as I spent most of 2012 dragging Baby Cannonball (my daughter) to various Bed Bath and Beyonds looking for a decent bowl to represent my Monday Morning Apple Jacks.

Anyway, the photo above is a polaroid of me holding a polaroid taken in, I want to say, Nashville, in 2003, maybe. I don’t know, it could also be St. Louis in 2002, or Cincinnati in 2004. Either way, a big goal for me in 2013 is to once again be able to fit into that sweet Wyoming T Shirt (which probably means no more damn Apple Jacks).

I guess that’s about it. Hopefully I’ll post here again before 2014. 

2011 CHRISTMAS CARD REJECTS

These were all rejected as “keepers” because Vicki obviously was refusing to take the shoot seriously. I know it’s probably hard to focus when you’ve got a fetus stealing all your nutrients, but damn, it’s not like I was asking her to do taxes for a grumpy porcupine. 

If you’d like to see our “real” card click here.