TANNER BLOG

MOON WALKERS

She wanted to stay,

inside the truck,

he said no way,

and now they’re stuck.

BUNKO LEAVES A MAN BEHIND

He cries for help,

she turns her head,

he’s stuck in kelp,

and left for dead.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Howdy party people! How the hell are ya? 

Sorry for not posting in forever, it’s just that last year I had a kid, moved to Maryland, started a new job, broke my favorite bowl, blah blah blah. Long story short, as rad a Tumblr is, I just didn’t have enough time to tumble as I spent most of 2012 dragging Baby Cannonball (my daughter) to various Bed Bath and Beyonds looking for a decent bowl to represent my Monday Morning Apple Jacks.

Anyway, the photo above is a polaroid of me holding a polaroid taken in, I want to say, Nashville, in 2003, maybe. I don’t know, it could also be St. Louis in 2002, or Cincinnati in 2004. Either way, a big goal for me in 2013 is to once again be able to fit into that sweet Wyoming T Shirt (which probably means no more damn Apple Jacks).

I guess that’s about it. Hopefully I’ll post here again before 2014. 

IT’S A GIRL

And her name is Bunko Jr. until otherwise noted. 

TWO YEARS AGO TODAY WE UP AND GOT MARRIED…

…and this was our “Save The Date” card.

Question: What were your vows?

Answer: My vows were as follows…

Hey Vicki,
My suit is probably very itchy and my collar’s probably way too tight,
but right now I don’t notice because you are so beautiful in your dress that is white.

Hey Vicki,
I promise to start taking you on dates to places besides movies and food courts,
and as a bonus I’ll wear shirts with collars and actual pants, not soccer shorts.

Hey Vicki,
If you ever get sick and can’t get out of bed to make us lunch,
don’t worry, I’ll make you soup with advil and hug you a whole bunch.

Hey Vicki,
Remember that bottle rocket mishap where I ran away because I was so scared…
that was a terrible thing to do, I’m so sorry.

Hey Vicki,
Starting today I promise to protect you from bottle rockets gone awry,
And all other scary things like bad dreams, sharks, and pink eye.

Hey Vicki,
When you turn 80 and look in the mirror and get sad because you have some wrinkles,
don’t worry, bald overweight Tanner will cheer you up with a cupcake full of sprinkles.

Hey Vicki,
I promise to be loyal to you like Patches was to Pam,
If you are the green eggs please consider me your ham.

Question: Did you keep your vows?

Answer: Not so much. I mean, Vicki hasn’t really been attacked by any sharks, so I’ve got that going for me, but other than that… ummmm. I mean, I really wanted my vows to rhyme, so I think that kind of forced me to make some stuff up, just to, you know, get the words to rhyme. Also, I do plan on giving Vicki a cupcake when she turns 80.

VICKI KILLS RABID SPARROW

This one time a rabid sparrow crashed through my window so I got down on the floor and called Vicki and told her to buy a crossbow on her way home from yoga class.

Twenty minutes later Vicki waked in and shot an arrow right through that sparrow.

AMERICA RUNS ON FUNKIN!

This one time Vicki and I wanted to make a funny card for my cousin Matt, who was stationed in Afghanistan at the time. This is what we came up with.

Oh, Matt’s last name is Funk, which probably helps explain things a bit.

Also, when November rolled around and Matt was still stuck over there for Thanksgiving, I made him a very, very, very bad music video. I was going to post it here but my file appears to be corrupted, so I guess I’ll just have to save that gem for another time.

THE TIME VICKI ALMOST ATE RIGBY

This one time Vicki and I got lost in a snow storm while walking Rigby. After about ten minutes Vicki’s tummy began to rumble and she suggested that we eat Rigby. Rigby quickly yelled “Damn woman! It’s only been ten minutes! At least eat some snow before you eat YOUR F-ING PUPPY!!!”. An awkward silence soon ensued where they both glared at me for support. Eventually I reluctantly mumbled “he’s kind of gotta point”.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch ever since.