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57 posts tagged tanner
57 posts tagged tanner
IT’S A GIRL
And her name is Bunko Jr. until otherwise noted.
2011 CHRISTMAS CARD REJECTS
These were all rejected as “keepers” because Vicki obviously was refusing to take the shoot seriously. I know it’s probably hard to focus when you’ve got a fetus stealing all your nutrients, but damn, it’s not like I was asking her to do taxes for a grumpy porcupine.
If you’d like to see our “real” card click here.
TWO YEARS AGO TODAY WE UP AND GOT MARRIED…
…and this was our “Save The Date” card.
Question: What were your vows?
Answer: My vows were as follows…
Hey Vicki,
My suit is probably very itchy and my collar’s probably way too tight,
but right now I don’t notice because you are so beautiful in your dress that is white.
Hey Vicki,
I promise to start taking you on dates to places besides movies and food courts,
and as a bonus I’ll wear shirts with collars and actual pants, not soccer shorts.
Hey Vicki,
If you ever get sick and can’t get out of bed to make us lunch,
don’t worry, I’ll make you soup with advil and hug you a whole bunch.
Hey Vicki,
Remember that bottle rocket mishap where I ran away because I was so scared…
that was a terrible thing to do, I’m so sorry.
Hey Vicki,
Starting today I promise to protect you from bottle rockets gone awry,
And all other scary things like bad dreams, sharks, and pink eye.
Hey Vicki,
When you turn 80 and look in the mirror and get sad because you have some wrinkles,
don’t worry, bald overweight Tanner will cheer you up with a cupcake full of sprinkles.
Hey Vicki,
I promise to be loyal to you like Patches was to Pam,
If you are the green eggs please consider me your ham.
Question: Did you keep your vows?
Answer: Not so much. I mean, Vicki hasn’t really been attacked by any sharks, so I’ve got that going for me, but other than that… ummmm. I mean, I really wanted my vows to rhyme, so I think that kind of forced me to make some stuff up, just to, you know, get the words to rhyme. Also, I do plan on giving Vicki a cupcake when she turns 80.
VICKI KILLS RABID SPARROW
This one time a rabid sparrow crashed through my window so I got down on the floor and called Vicki and told her to buy a crossbow on her way home from yoga class.
Twenty minutes later Vicki waked in and shot an arrow right through that sparrow.
TANNER TANNER
This one time I got a perm and I thought it was awesome so I went on the internet and hired a professional photographer to take some glamourous headshots of me so that I could send them to Hollywood and get a job as an actor on the TV show Full House. I was thinking that I could play Danny Tanner’s long lost illegitimate son, Tanner Tanner.
AMERICA RUNS ON FUNKIN!
This one time Vicki and I wanted to make a funny card for my cousin Matt, who was stationed in Afghanistan at the time. This is what we came up with.
Oh, Matt’s last name is Funk, which probably helps explain things a bit.
Also, when November rolled around and Matt was still stuck over there for Thanksgiving, I made him a very, very, very bad music video. I was going to post it here but my file appears to be corrupted, so I guess I’ll just have to save that gem for another time.
THE TIME VICKI ALMOST ATE RIGBY
This one time Vicki and I got lost in a snow storm while walking Rigby. After about ten minutes Vicki’s tummy began to rumble and she suggested that we eat Rigby. Rigby quickly yelled “Damn woman! It’s only been ten minutes! At least eat some snow before you eat YOUR F-ING PUPPY!!!”. An awkward silence soon ensued where they both glared at me for support. Eventually I reluctantly mumbled “he’s kind of gotta point”.
I’ve been sleeping on the couch ever since.
In June of 2004 Vicki paid a visit to my place and we burnt off a few sparklers. I remember acquiring the sparklers from a guy at school named Dale for five bucks and a half-eaten pack of Skittles. As much as it killed me having to give up the last of my Skittles, the deal was definitely worth it as it gave Vicki and I something to do besides make out and/or throw rocks at stop signs. Here’s a few photos documenting our sparkler fueled night…
I like how my feet appear to be orbs of light. Way to be New Balance reflectors!
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Vicki in the thick of it. How her arms and face didn’t get burnt to all hell is still a mystery to me.
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Vicki looking like a young half asian Hermione Granger with her wizard wand.
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I don’t really have anything to write about this one except that Vicki’s pants look really comfortable.
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Vicki perfecting her “sparkler hula hoop”.
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I wish I could still fit into that shirt.
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Oh no, we’re out of sparklers! Should we go make out or throw rocks at stop signs?
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Thought this one looked kind of neat.
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Same with this one.
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This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shi… damn, sparklers don’t shine too long.
FLASHBACK FRIDAY 14 - “GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR SKELEBOT ATTACK!!!”
So a few years back Vicki and I jumped into our space suits and headed out to the Salton Sea to conduct some research for a science project we were doing. Once there, however, we realized that we had no test tubes or beakers, much less a hypothesis, and thus mutually decided to abort the whole damn project.
Anyway, as we stood quietly in the shame of having driven 300 miles into the desert for nothing, we were suddenly attacked by a pack of wild skelebots. What is a skelebot you ask? Well, a skelebot is a skeleton with a robot head. Part skeleton, part robot, all trouble… that’s what a skelebot is. Seriously, they will not stop attacking until they have all of your socks!
Anyway, we documented the entire attack on Fuji Provia with our 35mm panoramic camera. Unfortunately I’ve never scanned a single frame because I’m worthless. So for now these mediocre polaroids will have to do. As you can see, the skelebot eventually captured Vicki and is attempting to read her mind so that he can figure out where she’s hiding all her socks.
Looking back these photos make me a bit sad, as they take me back to that special time in my life where I had comfortable cozy socks. Damn you skelebots!!! Give us back our socks! Seriously, do you even wear them or do you just get some sick pleasure from watching our naked feet shiver in the cold? What’s the deal?
THRITY FREAKIN’ TWO
So Vicki just reminded me that today is my thirty second birthday. This was my reaction.
Anyway, I had planned on spending the day as my normal grumpy-grump self struggling to learn Adobe After Effects, but Vicki has convinced me to leave the apartment to go get some fish for the aquarium I got for my birthday exactly one year ago today. That’s right, there’s been a 30-gallon fish tank, full of water mind you, sitting fish-less and plant-less for 365 days in the corner of our living room. That tank is a true testament to just how lazy I can be when I put my mind to something. Here’s a picture that pretty much sums up the complete failure of my 31st year on earth…
Anyway, if by chance I’m following you, and you just realized that I’m old enough to be your dad, feel free to let me know if you’d prefer that I un-follow you. It’s bad enough I’m an old lazy dude, I sure as hell don’t want to be a creepy old lazy dude.
Also, go Baltimore Orioles!
